Pistol Pete's Blog @ Bressler.org
Red Light Special On Aisle 5
Big Ben; Taj Mahal; Giza; Walmart – What do all these places have in common? Americans are merely tourists there. I’m not one to frequent Walmart, because I don’t particularly like people. However, sometimes I am forced to inhabit one of those clearing houses because whatever it is I need is otherwise sold at a store that is closed for some mundane reason such as the Earth blew up. Walmarts don’t close unless our borders are closed. And that’s where this story leads me.
Walk into any Walmart south of Canada and north of Mexico and you will be hard pressed to find an American outside of management and an occasional cashier. Ok, maybe not in Wisconsin, but everywhere else. The place looks like the 3rd World south of the border collectively transferred their entire populations into the store. As I move through the masses blocking the aisles and gathered in family groups of 15-27, the only words I hear are in Spanish. Now before any of you communists start whining that I’m a racist, find another cause. I don’t care what race somebody is and language is sound, not DNA. I’m a nationalist. And for those of you who are so removed from geopolitical knowledge, a nationalist is someone who puts their country first – an alien concept even within our own government. The Romans were the first nationalists and they were made up of people across North Africa, Middle East, and Europe (except for the Danes who were busy breeding extremely large dogs, creating wonderful pastries, and writing fairy tales). What the Romans didn’t do was allow the aisles to be blocked and they got everyone, except the French, to speak Latin. This is America and we speak ENGLISH. If the foreigners don’t speak English then they should stay where ever they came from until they learn it. I feel the same way about Americans in countries that don’t use English as a common language. You might wake up in an ice bath and missing a kidney. Considering the statistics in this city as to foreigner verses indigenous population, most of them have to be here illegally, as attested to by our criminal arrests for drug dealing, murder, rape, robbery, assault and NOT SPEAKING ENGLISH! Ok, they don’t get arrested for not speaking English, but they should be because it’s a sure sign they aren’t supposed to be here. And you don’t know what they’re saying to each other. Even if you do have a slight working knowledge of Spanish, they rattle off so fast their lips are blurred. It could be “Let’s block this aisle for another 10 minutes because we can’t read the labels” (even though the accompanying sign is in Spanish), or, “That guy waiting to get by doesn’t know what we’re saying so let’s stand here until he gets pissed off and leaves”.
Masses of non-English speaking, aisle-blocking foreigners aren’t my only gripe with Wally World. Another is butts. Really big butts, to be exact. Now, I’m all in favor of ample butts because, among other things, they afford warmth while cuddling in the winter and look good on certain women. It’s the ones so big they need their own zip code that bothers me when traversing an aisle, specifically, the ones riding on Walcarts that Walmart supplies that are piled high with Ding Dongs, Ho Hos, Frosted Flakes, a roasted chicken, etc, and the obligatory case of Diet Pepsi. When a butt is so big it needs a car to transport it, then that’s way too big. And it’s not just that they have Walcarts, because truly handicapped people need them, but can't get them because mega butts have them. They park two abreast and exchange high-carb recipes, or some such things, blocking the ever-shrinking amount of room already filled with illegals setting up tents from the Sporting Goods department for their extended families to move into. I feel as if I’m hacking through a jungle and only making yards per day. You can also starve if you’re trapped in the toilet paper section. And don’t think you can win a fight with the Indy Butt 500 winner for her Ding Dongs. She'll smack you with a half-eaten chicken. When they drive, they will drive on the wrong side of traffic as if they are in England, causing massive jams and won’t back up or move over because they think they’re entitled to do whatever they please, just like the foreigners. If there are to be butt movers, then there should also be butt cops on Segways to bust them. And any lip to the cop will be met with a severe caning. When you get the illegals, butt movers, and people with dementia all in an aisle at once, critical mass can happen, ripping the space-time continuum apart and destroying the universe.
Won’t you please help? For only $50 a day you can save the universe, and me not having a seizure, by paying for a Mexican to go to Walmart for me. Come on, you’d do it for Sally Struthers. Send the money directly to me. I’m not giving the bastard more than 2-bits for the trip. He may never come out.
PP 1/1/11
