Pistol Pete
08-17-03, 09:25 PM
A Manicfest Destiny
By helpme911 & Pistol Pete - 8/10/03
Before the train left the station, Eric noticed a man peering over his newspaper at him, Fedora pulled low, and sweating. Ducking Stassi agents and divorce lawyers had become common, but this guy seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Eric made his way to the Pullman car and tossed his suitcase onto the Murphy bed. Murphy immediately sat up and screamed, "What the hell are you doing?! I didn't order the lobster bisque!" Eric soon realized he had crossed dreams and was the victim of Palpatomia, a rare genetic disorder found mostly in Fiji pearl divers. Not to be confused any longer, he opened the window and tossed Murphy through it, watching him hit the bridge embankment like a bug on a windshield.
Too many miles to go. Too many memories to forget. The colors were starting to return, but that only meant the elevation was lower. Austria was just up ahead and the Lederhosen Festival was in full swing. Hopefully, Monika would be in Strasburg and they could resume their pantomime of “Lisa of the Balkans: Warrior Wench” or, as he liked to hear her say it, “Lisa von der Balkan! Krieger Bitch!” The train wheels hummed along their mesmerizing song, “clickaty-clack, clickaty-clack, clickaty-clack, don’t talk back”, and sleep soon found Eric lying on the floor with his legs up the wall. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Clakety-click, clakety-click, clakety-click, Eric awoke to a familiar noise. He tried sitting up, but only managed to wrench his back in the process having forgotten that his legs were leaning against the wall and all the blood having flowed from them, were now numb. Clackety-click, clakety-click, clakety-click, Eric heard that familiar noise again. His feet fell from the wall as he realized where he had heard it before. He dragged himself to the door, opened it and laid his hand out the door to pull himself from his room. Clakety-click, clakety-click, clakety-clunk.
Eric screamed as the woman in the stilettos stepped on his hand! He raised his eyes to the most beautiful gams he had ever seen. Pain momentarily forgotten, he looked up to see the most beautiful woman he had seen in a while. He tried to free his hand of her heel but she just pressed harder. Eric liked that in a woman.
During this melee of unexpected pleasure, he couldn't help but think about Monika and how she'd love the view he had, and the payoff was incredible! Those legs could make a grown ape go man! "Uh, 'scuse me, Miss, but would you mind?" The dame in the Shriners hat slowly lifted her heel from his hand, allowing him to cringe in pain as he withdrew his mangled appendage.
"I'm terribly sorry, Mr....?" "Uh...Tanheuser. Eric Tanheuser. And you might be?" The lady looked both ways down the car and then lifted Eric by the shoulders and drug him back into his room. "Must be a bus mechanic", he thought. She sat down on the bed and tossed her hat to the bench across the room and just stared for a moment at Eric. "I've been watching you, Mr. 'Tanheuser', and I know that's not your real name." "Oh yeah? Well, you can call my mom and ask her. She'll tell ya!", replied Eric. "And besides, you haven't told me who you are! Damn, this hurts!", he said grinning.
Eric looked at the woman and repeated, "I said, this hurts! You could at least apologize." "I'm sorry", she said lifting his hand and bringing it to her ruby red lips. She kissed his boo-boo and as she delved deeply into his eyes, ran her tongue across his mangled flesh and made soft purring noises. Eric watched her and noticed her fiery red hair and porcelain skin. An hour or so later, he took back his hand and said, "So, I think now would be a good time for introductions. Just who might you be and why have you been watching me?"
“For your information, my name is Tanya Veebelfeester, and I want you to help me find my brother. He was last seen getting on a Harley with a girl in front of a Budapest cafe", she told him. Eric thought that sounded familiar. Two years earlier, he was sipping coffee outside Gamel Turic's cafe when a girl on a '42 Flathead pulled up and asked how to get to Cleveland. He walked over to tell her Cleveland was 9,000 miles west when she blew some kind of knockout dust in his face and he woke up naked in a Berlin park. The cops never did buy his story, but he made 273 Marks and change from passers-by who thought he was a derelict junkie.
"Wait a minute!", exclaimed Eric. "Is your brother Professor Miles Veebelfeester? The man who successfully spliced elf genes with a squash? That Veebelfeester?" "Yes Mr. Tanheuser, or is it…Dammerung?! Yes, I know your real name and also why you're in Austria." Eric was sure puzzled, now. Did this dame know Monika, too? Did she like handcuffs? Did she have a joint bank account? These questions and more would be sorted out in due time. Right now, he needed to whiz.
“Gene splicing, knockout dust, handcuffs.” What kind of a life did he lead, he thought as he walked to the bathroom. “I meet the strangest people and get into some of the most awkward situations”, he pondered as he closed the bathroom door. Remembering how he was so mesmerized by that white skinned beauty he thought about his goods beneath his pants. He panicked thinking she may have stolen them. He anxiously unbuttoned his pants and tore at the zipper trying desperately to see if his most treasured jewels had been taken from him. Finally, he touched the money belt with his fingers and a relieved sigh escaped his lips. He opened the belt and saw that the diamonds and Monika's picture were still there. He pulled the picture from the belt and stared at her wonderful face thinking, this was the most valuable thing he owned and the one thing he could not stand to lose. Of course the diamonds were good too, no doubt, and they would come in handy when he finally met up with Monika again. Still, he had business to handle with that magnificent creature in the other room. “Is it being unfaithful to Monika if she doesn't even know I'm coming? Who cares”, he thought. Don't ask, don't tell was his credo. He lit a cigarette and opened the bathroom door and saw nothing but legs and was enjoying every second of it.
Hopping over discarded shoes, he zeroed in on Tanya. She was sitting on the bed, knees up, reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu, in Chinese! This dame was into things that could lead to calamity! Then again, so was Eric, but his were self inflicted. He sat down on the bench across from her and just stared for a moment. “May ask you a question, Miss Veebelfeester?” Tanya lowered her book, looked Eric straight in the eyes and licked her eyebrows. Eric’s brain shot off into space for a moment and then he pulled the window shades. “Whoa! That’s a pretty neat trick! Wanna see what I can do?”, he asked excitedly. “Indulge me, Mr. Dammerung.”
Eric took off his coat and then opened his shirt to his waist. He placed his left hand in his right armpit and with great up and down flailing with his arm, produced a series of perfect fart sounds. “Betcha can’t do that!”, he said. Tanya reared back and put a hand behind each knee, kicked wildly, and proceeded to sound like The African Queen with a full head steam. Eric was stunned! Was there nothing this dame couldn’t do? After a few more challenges to each other, they needed a cigarette. It was about time for dinner so they got things in order and took off for the dining car.
Incessant knocking on the door stopped them in their tracks. They both mouthed to each other, "You expecting anyone?" and simultaneously shook their heads. Before Eric could reach for the door, it was kicked open and one of the biggest and ugliest men he had ever seen burst into the room. His hands were the size of small hams and the gun he was holding was as big and any cannon ever fired during the civil war. The behemoth looked at Tanya and said, "Hello, love." Eric was astonished as he stared at her and he screamed, "Good Lord, woman, it's always something with you isn't it?".
She didn't flash those pearly whites or even look in his direction, she just stared at the thing obstructing the doorway. The big man grinned and stepped forward, which in turn squeezed Eric and Tanya against the window of the train. Unfortunately for Tanya, her dress was caught in her belt, hiked up in the back, and left nothing to the imagination since she was not in the habit of wearing underwear. The big man closed the door and continued to grin.
Just as the train crossed a junction, a farm boy on a bicycle glanced up and saw Tanya’s full moon in the now uncovered window and plowed right into a stop sign! Meanwhile, back in the car, the big guy closed the door and reached into his coat pocket, still holding the gun on them. Eric and Tanya knew this was the end for them. The man slowly brought out an envelope, like bank cashiers use, and handed it towards Tanya. She still had a look of panic in her eyes but reached out and took it, never leaving his glare. Eric had to come up with a plan, and quick! He was sure they would miss the good entrees unless they got to the dining car before 7. “Uh…we were just going for dinner. Would you care to join us?”, he asked the man. The giant amoeba in the double breasted suit just turned and left the compartment, closing the door behind him.
“Look Tanya, or Tuesday, or whatever your name is, what’s going on around here?!!” Tanya pulled her butt off the widow with a loud pop and sat down on the bed, looking at the envelope. She carefully sliced it open with one of her Bowie Knife fingernails and opened it. Holding it upside down, a strange, 4 inch wide, triangular shaped piece of something slid out. They both stared at it for a few seconds and then Eric screamed, “MY GOD! THAT’S A NOSE!” It was a nose! But who’s? Tanya fainted dead away and Eric picked up the nose like it was a stewed rat. As he looked it over, it reminded him of something else. “Hmm…something here. But what?”, he pondered. And then it hit him like a one round fight at Casey’s Bar! “The folded napkins in a restaurant!” He checked his watch, it was 10 till 7. He could just make it if dippy here would just wake up. He slung Tanya over his shoulder and headed out. They had to pass through the cocktail lounge anyway, so people would probably just think she’s drunk.
Knocking her head against Eric's arse, Eric being a short trunked man, woke Tanya from her stupor. Luckily Eric had just finished caressing her behind as he pulled down her dress. "Hey, let me down," she screamed. Eric put her on her feet as they were passing between cars. "What I should do is drop you off the side of this train." Eric straightened his suit and glared at her. "Now," he said as he grabbed her arm, "What do you want for dinner? Something sure smells good." After the words came out of his mouth, he realized it was in poor taste and that the offensive object was still in his jacket pocket. They were led to a table in the back and after they were seated, Eric told her to spill the beans or she was paying for dinner. Tanya reached out and knocked over a bowl of pinto beans left from the previous customer and smiled. Eric shook his head and told her, "You're still paying for dinner." Eric reached into his pocket with a napkin, grabbed the nose and laid it on the table. "Anything you want to tell me?" he asked. "It's not real", she said flippantly. Eric stared at the revolting thing on the table and then quickly covered it up. "We used to be magicians, illusionists and quick change artists. He disappeared one day, disguised with that nose, and I haven't seen him since." Eric rolled his eyes, leaned into her and said, "And this is in addition to a gene splicer and a motorcyclist? What else, or is any of this true?" Tanya started sobbing, her chest heaving with despair as she dropped her face into her hands.
Leaning over, Eric put his left hand on Tanya’s shoulder and offered her a hankie with the other one. She took it without looking up and blew a great honking noise that rattled the widows. She looked up at Eric to say thanks and then noticed he had handed her the nose! AAHHHHHHHH!!!!! She was sure beside herself because Eric saw two of her, both lunging for his throat! “I’ll kill ya! I’ll kill ya with a knife!”, she screamed. The others in the dining car instantly took alarm and began moving towards the exits. The Matradee appeared on the scene, asking what all the commotion was about. “She, ah…she noticed there’s no Groundhog on the menu. What kind of cheap joint is this, anyway?!” Tanya was still grabbing at Eric’s clothes as he smacked her repeatedly with a bread stick. The German matradee figured “groundhog” meant pork sausage and assured the lady that they did indeed have some. “Listen you sick bastard, I want the fillet minion, shrimp cocktail and a Dom Perignon ’56. Got it?!!” The waiter snapped to attention, “Ya wohl, Mein Herren!”, and hoofed it as fast as he could to the kitchen. This lady was NUTS!
After accidentally getting poked in the eye with the bread stick, Tanya settled down a bit . “Look doll face, we’ll be in Strasburg in about two hours. We’ve got to lay out a plan before we get there.”, Eric told her. The food came very quickly and they discussed a few options for when they got off the train. It was obvious Tanya had been trailed by that behemoth and there were sure to be more problems ahead. “Waiter! There’s soup on my fly!”
"Monsieur, please, keep your voice down. If the other passengers find out, they will want one, also," begged the waiter in a whisper. Eric was shocked and his face reflected that. Tanya looked at him queerly and asked, "What is it?". Eric looked from her to the waiter and back at her and asked, "Did you hear that? Sir, " he said confronting the waiter, "you just called me 'Monsieur', I thought you were German." "Ah, Senor; German, French, what is the difference?" he asked as he slithered away. Eric felt as if he were is some diazapam dream and nothing around him was real. What was going on in his world or was this his world? He couldn't be sure anymore. "All right, Cuddles, let's hear it. Start near the beginning and tell me about your so-called brother you want me to find." Tanya sighed and lowered her hand from her injured eye and said, "After the police released my brother he left and told the bondsman that he would be back after he checked on his experiments. Three days later the bondsman went to his apartment and found it ransacked and traces of blood on the floor and walls but no sign of my brother. He found a few leads that he followed up on but they were all dead ends. Except one," she said as she stopped to sip some chocolate milk. She pulled a piece of paper from her bra and handed it to Eric. On the paper was a formula for one of his experiments. "So, your brother is now splicing elf genes with the born deaf? Is he making deaf elves or helping a deaf elf to hear?" asked Eric. "No, you moron, you have it upside down," she huffed as she reached over and righted the paper. "Oh, my lord!" screamed Eric as he realized what he was looking at. Tanya leaped over the table and clamped her hand over his mouth. "Shut up, you fool. Do you want everyone on this train to know what my brother had discovered?"
Nodding towards the end of the concourse, Tanya and Eric picked up their paltry amount of baggage and headed out to look for a taxi. Strasburg was a very old city with some narrow streets designed for carriages, but could still accommodate small cars. Just the ticket for eluding the curious. They stood in front of the station ready to hail a taxi when two cars screeched to a halt in front of them! Doors flung open and men with pistols and machineguns swarmed outside! Eric was grabbed and put in one car, and Tanya in the other, speeding away and careening around other cars and orange cones! Eric was sandwiched between two guys in the back seat. “You gotta be kiddin me! A Fiat?! I’d have expected at least a Mercedes. I have my standards, ya know.”, Eric said chastisingly. “Nicht sprechen!”, one of the guys told him. Maybe they just didn’t have anything to say. Maybe they were jerks. Maybe both.
In the meantime, Tanya was trying to hold her own in the other car. She managed to claw one thug, bringing blood and pain, and the other was trying to open the locked door to jump, screaming she was the incarnate of Der Fuhrer, while the driver, was swerving all over the road and almost hitting an on-coming truck. This woman was absolutely mad! After a 20 minute ride, the cars arrived behind an old stone building towards the west end of town. They were met by more machinegun wielding men, while the occupants in the second car bailed out like scalded apes! Anything to get away from Tanya!
After some wrangling, they were escorted inside. Their eyes took a minute to adjust to the darkness, when they saw a faint light about 50 feet away. Entering the room, they saw a lone table with something covered by a cloth. Eric, who wasn’t being shadowed by his new friends, walked over and lifted the cloth, revealing a small stack of shining gold bars. They both gawked at it for what seemed like seconds and then Eric picked one up for a closer look. He was amazed when he saw it had the stamping mark of the Reichbank, serial numbered and dated 1942! As they gazed upon this wondrous sight, a voice from the shadows broke the spell. It was Miles!
"Oh my pet, it's been a long time.", said Miles. Tanya jumped at the sound of her brothers voice, turned around and twisting her arms free from her guards, ran to Miles. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his face over and over again.
"Well," said Eric putting the gold back on the table, "it looks like my job here is done. Tanya, your brother; Miles, your sister. There, now that I found him for you, I'll just be on my way." Eric turned to go toward the door when two of the goons stepped in front of him. Eric looked up and turned around saying, "Or not. I could stay a little longer. Tea would be nice, please." Miles and Tanya paid no attention but continued to embrace each other. Eric clearing his throat loudly and saying, "Can I get me some of that?"
"Of course," said Miles as he extracted himself from his sister. He walked over to Eric and wrapped his arms around him in a big bear hug. Kissing him on each cheek, he stepped back and glanced at Tanya saying, "Who is this, and why is he with you?" "I had enlisted his help in locating you, sweetie. And he has been an absolute doll, but not much help I have to say."
"Not much help!?" fumed Eric. "If it weren't for me you would be on your back with that behemoth in the cabin!"
"As if," stated Tanya. She walked to the table, picked up one of the gold bars and faced Miles. "Just what is this all about, Miles? Where did you get this and where have you been all this time? I've been worried sick you were hurt and, as you can see from the looks of my traveling companion, desperate to find you." "Hey!" yelled Eric. "I don't have to take this from you." "Yes, you do. Sit down and calm yourself.", said Tanya.
Eric sat in the only chair in the room mumbling sarcastically, "Thank you for all your help, Eric. You've been so kind, Eric. Thank you for dinner, Eric. Oh, and thank you for holding that disgusting nose in your pocket, Eric." One of the goons reached down and with the flat of his hand, smacked Eric on the back of his head sending him flying out of his chair and landing face down on the floor. "Ow!", said Eric rubbing the back of his head.
Pushing himself up from the floor, Eric was grabbed by the guy that smacked him. Tanya once again asked Miles what had happened to him all this time. “All in good time, snookums.”, he replied. Miles snapped his fingers and Tanya was also taken in-arm by two thugs. “Miles! What are you doing?!”, she asked in surprise. Her and Eric were immediately taken down a long hallway to another room, all the while Tanya asking questions in a panicked voice. There, in the middle of the room, set a gurney with leather restraints, and a few small tables to one side of it. A cluster of lights above shown down, leaving the rest of the room in an eerily darkness. A computer console glowed at the head of the gurney, wire probes dangling from an I.V. rack. Miles approached Tanya and placed his hand on her cheek. “You’re about to make me the happiest man alive”, he told her.
Eric was shoved into a chair, a pistol placed against his head! “Hey! Just remember I part my hair on this side, OK?” Tanya was manhandled over onto the gurney and strapped down tight. “Miles! What are you doing?! I came to find you! I don’t understand!”, she pleaded. Miles put on a smock and affixed an electronic eyepiece to his head. He switched on a bank of probes and then began to place them in strategic places on Tanya’s chest, neck and head. Tanya’s eyes were darting from side to side, grasping for anything that would explain what was happening to her. Miles lifted the towels that had covered surgical instruments on the tables. “It’s very simple.”
“Do you remember when you let me take microbe samples of that mole on your neck?”, he asked. “Yes”, she said, “but what does that have to do with you scaring me to death and all this?!” Miles moved around to her left side, a long needle-like device in hand. “Well”, he started, “I wasn’t just taking samples. I put a map on it.” “A MAP?!”, she hollered. “Yes my dear, a map. A map of the location of a huge stash of Nazi gold. Enough gold to last 100 lifetimes. And that map has to be extracted. Of course, to do that, you won’t be the same afterwards. I’ll have to enlarge your neck, a bit. Quite a bit, I’m afraid.” Well, neither Tanya, or Eric, liked the sound of "extracted" when it had to do with a lunatic, needles, and probes. The strap on her head was tightened to where she couldn’t move. Miles brought a nitrous mask towards her face, his face glaring with anticipation as visions of wealth and power filled his twisted mind. Eric, in the meantime, lit a cigarette and asked Tanya “Who’s desperate, now?” The guy beside him, smacked him again. “Ow! Stop that!” Eric had to think of something fast. He looked up and down the guy next to him and said, “Hey, your fly’s open.” The guy looked down and moved the pistol from Eric’s head just enough for Eric to flip the chair backwards and knock the gun out of his hand! The cigarette in an eye and a head-butt to the guy’s chin knocked him sideways as Eric scrambled for the gun, all the while holding his head, “Ow!”. The two other goons quickly made a dash for Eric, but he was in the dark and they couldn’t see him. Miles started screaming for them to, “Take care of him!”
Quickly and quietly, Eric moved around one of Miles' work tables. He noticed test tubes and bottles filled with liquid scattered about the workbench. Without thinking and without reading the labels on the bottles, as if he would know what it meant anyway, he picked up a tube of liquid and threw it at one of the bodyguards. The bottle shattered on the muscleman’s chest. A scream like that of a banshee issued forth from the man throat as he jumped around slapping his chest. Good choice, thought Eric hoping he would be as lucky next time. The goon’s partner was temporarily distracted and Eric took the opportunity to judge the distance between himself, the goons and Miles. He grabbed a handful of the test tubes and ran for Tanya.
Eric could tell from Tanya's face that she was terrified and begging for help from Eric. In Eric's haste to reach her and pull her safely into his arms he tripped over one of the many power cords that snaked across the floor. He heard a loud crash just as the bottles flew from his hand. They all heard a sizzling and hissing after the large machine crashed to the floor.
"Dammit!" yelled Miles. "Get him or I'll have both your heads in a jar!" Miles attempted to right the machine that had been sitting directly behind Tanya's head. He screamed as he touched the liquid that splattered on the casing. Eric jumped up and reached for Tanya just as one of the guards grabbed him from behind and tackled him to the floor. Tanya moaned knowing her only chance at escape had vanished with Eric's capture.
"Tie him up and make sure he can't escape," demanded Miles. Miles had managed to find and put on some rubber gloves in order to touch the machine without further damaging his flesh. "It's ruined! Do you know what you have done? It will take me months to get this up and running well enough to extract the information from my sister." Miles walked over to Eric sitting in the chair, grabbed him by the collar and said, "I ought to kill you now but I'm going to need you later. But keep in mind that your end will be one of the most gruesome ways I can imagine it to be." Miles let go of Eric and turned to the man securing Eric to the chair and said, "Get my sister off the table and tie her up as well. I have work to do. Mind you don't hurt her too much, she is still too valuable to lose."
Tanya seemed to relax and breathed a sigh as the bodyguard began to loosen her restraints. She was weak from fear and could hardly move and the large man lifted her from the table and carried her across the room. The man placed her in a chair next to Eric and she quickly threw her arms around Eric's neck and kissed him on the cheek, "Thanks, anyway," she managed to say before the man snatched her back and tied her hands behind her back.
Reaching carefully into his coat pocket, Eric slowly withdrew the nose and put one nostril over his left index finger. He pulled it back like a rubber band and let it fly into the guard’s face! It hit an eye and Eric lunged for the man’s pistol he could see in a shoulder holster, grabbing it and putting two slugs in goon! Eric now turned to the other schmucks who were milling around Miles. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! One shot, one kill. All those years of popping cans floating in rivers finally paid off. The other guards would soon be there, but Eric had his sights on Miles right now. No place to run. No place to hide. Miles was screwed.
“Ok, laughing boy, seems the tables are turned, now.”, Eric said with a grin. “You can’t stop me from my dream, Ethan!”, replied Miles. “ERIC! IT’S ERIC! Ya know, for a guy who supposed to be a genius, YOU CAN’T REMEMBER SQUAT!”, yelled our hero. “Get over here!”, Eric told him, motioning towards Tanya. “Untie her. NOW!” Miles fiddled with the ropes as Eric kept vigil on the hallway, expecting the other guards to show up at any minute. Mile’s pulled a scalpel he had hidden up his sleeve, “Drop the gun or Tanya gets a new look. DO IT!” Eric had the most dejected look on his face. They really weren’t going to get out this alive. He dropped his arm to his side and then, raised it straight as an arrow, putting a round dead center of Miles’ forehead! “Never bring a knife to a gunfight.”, Eric calmly recited.
Tanya was in shock. None of this was supposed to be happening! All she wanted was to find Miles and now he was dead, killed by the very person she used to find him. Her world was in total madness! Eric put the P-38 in his waistband and used the scalpel to cut Tanya’s bindings. He helped her out of the chair and she slapped him extremely hard, “OW!!” “That”, she said, “was for killing my brother!” Eric looked her in the eyes and said, “He wasn’t your brother. Only people from Arkansas kiss their siblings with such passion. He was your lover, at one time.” Tanya was for once, at a total loss for words. “How…how did you know?”, she asked. “It doesn’t matter, babe. A world of hurt is about to come down on us if we don’t get outta here, now!”, he told her. “Come on.”
Eric picked up two more guns off the floor, and put them in his coat pockets. He checked the mag in the one he had: 2 rounds left. They made their way down the hall and heard running towards them. They ducked close to a doorway halfway down the hall, the other guards running passed them in the darkness to the Death Room. Tanya and Eric moved quickly to the outside door, carefully looking for any more guards along the way. “Looks like it’s clear, Toots.” Peeking around the opening door, Eric spotted two guards leaning against one of the cars. This was no time to make with nice conversation. Eric calmly walked up to the guards, who had a look of perplexity on their faces, and shot both of them dead! Our two fugitives hopped into a BMW and Eric peeled out down the alleyway, leaving their new friends, and the gold, behind.
After they were out on the highway, Eric turned to Tanya, “Well, that was fun! What say we tie steaks to our necks and swim with sharks?!” Tanya was staring out the side window, staring to another time. She finally turned to Eric, “How did you know we weren’t brother and sister?” “Like I said’, Eric replied, “brothers and sisters don’t usually carry on like you two were. And another thing…there’s something familiar about you. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but……” Tanya was looking at Eric. Eric looked at Tanya and then reached over and grabbed her by the hair! It came off, revealing a short blonde haircut! “That’s where I know you from!”, he said. “You’re the girl on the Harley! You cost me a night in jail! I thought I was going to have to marry a kraut tranny!” Tanya pulled back against the door, eyes wide and wild looking. Eric tried to keep his eyes on the road as they whizzed across town. He wanted to dump this loony, fast, and find Monika. He needed a break! He also needed one of Monika’s bubble baths, complete with sword dancing and Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkeries’ played at 120 decibels. But, he also needed to know what the heck was going on.
Suffering through the dead silence in the car gave Eric a chance to think. “Who is this girl and what is it that she wants from me?” And the one question Eric never asked himself until now, “Why did she come to me for help? Why the elaborate hoaxes and disguises? Why am I asking myself all these questions? Why don't I ask her? Am I afraid of the answers?” Shaking his head to clear it, he looked over at Tanya. She was leaning her face against the cool glass of the window, her eyes were closed and her hand was resting on her heart. Her breathing was deep and rhythmic and though he wanted and needed answers, he was loath to wake her.
Eric had no idea where to go from here, so he just drove....he would drive until Tanya woke up. It would give him a chance to think and maybe make some plans, perhaps funeral arrangements for himself in case this chick gets him killed.
On impulse, Eric started looking for a medical supply store. “Hey”, he thought, “even if you beat them, you can still join them. I think I'll take a look at that mole myself and maybe find out what is really going on.” Eric pulled into the Strasburg Medical Supply House and, leaving Tanya in the car, he went inside. When he returned Tanya was still asleep. He put the microscope in the trunk and returned to the front seat. Tanya stirred in her sleep. She turned to her left side and slowly slipped down the seat until her head was resting on Eric’s lap. Eric smiled as he cranked the car and thought, maybe this day will turn out all right after all.
“Time to get this show on the road.”, he thought. The only person he had any trust in, was Monika. They’d head for her place over by the Staadt Opera Haus. Damn, how he missed Monika and her stately townhouse. The paintings and antiques, the in-house movie theater, the four person shower and Henry VIII bed. “I need a vacation.”
Pulling up in front of Monika’s place felt like home. Tanya was still out, but mumbling about weasels, Jell-O, and fountain pens. She looked so peaceful lying there with her face in his crotch. He really didn’t want to disturb her but, they had to get inside and out of sight. Eric shook her shoulder till she came to and raised up. “What? Huh? Where are we?”, she asked. “We’re at Monika’s. Get up!” Tanya raised up, wiping her face and looking like she was still in lah-lah land, which she was. Eric got out and opened the trunk, retrieving the microscope. Tanya followed to the front door, whereas, Eric swung one of the large knockers and thought of Monika for some reason. “Damn, she has to be home!”, he said. A rattling of the lock brought hope. The door opened to reveal Monika and the surprise and glow in her eyes could blind the sun! “ERIC!!!” She threw her arms around his neck, almost crushing his top five vertebrae. “Baby! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?!”, she exclaimed, and then looked passed him to Tanya. Curiously, she asked, “Um…who is your friend?” “She’s another story.”, he replied, “I really need your help, sweetie!”
Eric explained as best he could to Monika what had happened so far. “You never change, do you?”, Monika asked wryly. “Not for you, my dear.”, he replied with a grin. Tanya, in the meantime, was milling around the living room, looking at all the neat stuff. Eric called her over and put the microscope case on a table. “Oh yeah, Monika, this is Tanya. Tanya…Monika.” The two women nodded towards each other. Eric took out the microscope and told Tanya what he wanted to do. He had her lie down on a fainting couch and took the base off the scope so he could get in close to her mole. He fiddled with the focus for a bit and then saw what Miles was after.
“My God! Look at this!”, he hollered. “What?! What?!”, Tanya asked. “Don’t move! It screws up the focus!”, Eric told her. Tanya had an indignant look on her face. Monika took a look and gasped!, “That looks like a…a…pony riding a clown!” It was a pony riding a clown! But, it also resembled the outline of a lake nearby. Eric got Monika’s Atlas of Austria and searched the surrounding area. “There it is! Come on!” Tanya was still asking “What?! What?!” as they made a mad dash to the Beemer and took off for Lake Weinerschlichen.
Undressing Monika with his eyes as they all ran to the car, Eric was having difficulty concentrating on the discovery he'd made. Monika beat Tanya to the front seat even though Tanya yelled “Shotgun!”. Monika looked at him knowing that he was imagining lurid things he was going to do to her. He glanced at Monika and winked his eye. She blushed and looked down to fasten her seatbelt. Taking that opportunity to look in his rear view mirror at Tanya, he caught her eye. He smiled and winked his other eye at her. She smiled a half smile back at him and turned to look out the window.
Tanya finally broke the awkward silence by asking where they were going. "Tanya, your lover etched a map onto the mole on your neck. I feel sure it is Lake Weinerschlichen. Once we get there, we'll examine your mole a little closer and see where to go next." "Do you think this has anything to do with the gold bar Miles had?" asked Tanya. "I think it has everything to do with it. If I'm right, we could all be very wealthy," replied Eric. Monika was looking from one to the other during the conversation still trying to understand all they had been through. But when the subject of the gold bar came up, Monika straightened in her seat and began to really listen. Monika looked out the back window of the car and noticed a red Volvo. Looking back at Eric she said, "How will we know where to look for the gold? It's a big lake and is surrounded by acres and acres of land." "Tanya will tell us, or rather her mole will.", said Eric glancing at Tanya in the mirror.
When they arrived at the lake, Eric scouted around for a private place they could park and reexamine Tanya's neck. He finally parked the car behind some trees and retrieved the microscope from the front seat. "Tanya, if you don't mind, would you lie down on the seat and let me look at you neck again?" Tanya complied and Eric, using the microscope, explored the etching. "Monika," said Eric still looking through the eyepiece, "look on the map for a clearing amongst a pine forest. I think that is where we start. I hope we don't need shovels, but we do need a better light than this to really see this map well."
As Monika was perusing the map, she looked up to see the red Volvo on the other side of the lake. Monika glanced at Eric and then looked back to the map. "Here, I think this is it.", Monika said pointing to a spot on the map. "Excellent," said Eric, "let's go then."
Valley of The Goths, the map called it. Roman legions had fought here in the 3rd century. Seems like there was still upheaval on these lands. Only the participants had changed.
Our three intrepid adventurers made their way through a stand of pines on the south end of the clearing and to the edge of the lake. Eric had marked the map with little symbols he saw on Tanya’s mole. They were set in a triangle so, Eric figured the loot was in the middle of that triangle. First, there was an odd rock shaped like an old man’s face. “Ok, there’s one.”, said Eric pointing to about a hundred yards in front of them. Next, they looked for something a symbol showed as a Greek sun. They searched the area, looking twice at everything. “There it is! There it is!”, Tanya yelled with glee, like a school girl who had just won a stuffed tiger at a carnival. It was a very old oak tree, maybe a few hundred years old. It had bulged in the middle and small branches had grown outward resembling sort of a stylized sun. “Ok, two down and one to go.” The third symbol was a real puzzler. “Ok everyone, look sharp. We’re almost home on this one.”, Eric told them. The third symbol was two dots above a crescent. They scanned the foliage and hills, begging for the key. Monika was looking towards the late afternoon sun and noticed movement across the lake at the Volvo. Hand across her forehead and squinting against the glare, she saw the driver walking back out of the trees, buttoning his pants, and then driving off. Eric was scanning in all directions and then saw the third puzzle piece! “Monika! Don’t move a muscle!”, he hollered. As she stood there looking like a statue of The Lone Mariner, Eric glanced at her, then to the two formations, and then back to Monika. “That’s it!”, he said excitedly pointing at her. “What?! What?!” Monika and Tanya were sure confused. “Your face! That’s it!”, he said. “Of course it’s my face, you nut! What are talking about?!” Monika’s eyes above her turned up mouth looked like the third symbol. Sure, it was a long shot, but Eric and this writer had to go on it.
Eric told them he was going to swim out to what looked to be the center of all three markers and that once he got there, Monika could move again. The water was cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra! Both women had wondered if he had on briefs or boxers, but not anymore. Eric wished he had on a wetsuit! “My buddy will never be the same.” Brrrrrrr.
He got to the mid point and took a breath before diving as fast as possible. The lake was murky passed about 20 feet and he wasn’t at all used to doing this. He didn’t have to dive too deep because the lake was only 12 feet deep here due to a sandbar. He felt around for a few seconds and then had to get some air. The women watched him surface and then go down again. For some reason, they were getting a bit excited and hot. He repeated this a dozen times until his hand raked against something hard. On the surface, he yelled at the babes and went under again. Wrestling to free the object from the mud, Eric struggled to move heavy object. There was no way he was going to get this thing out without help.
He swam back to shore and told the girls they would have to find a boat which was, conveniently, only about 20 yards away tied under a tree. They were amazed to find a block and tackle rig in the boat! Hmmm, I wonder how that got there.
While the girls were dragging the boat to the water line, Eric was loading his pants with rocks to help him sink faster and possibly stay under a little longer. He thought he was going to need all the time he could get, that box was heavy. Before the girls had the boat completely in the water, Eric stopped them so he could figure out a way to work the equipment from inside the boat.
"OK girls, I'm going to need your help here. Let's lay this oar across the boat so that both ends are resting on the sides. Monika you sit on the oar on that side and Tanya, you sit on the oar on this side. Both of you need to be facing each other straddling the oar with your feet locked under the bench."
Monika, looking at herself and Tanya, glared at Eric and said, "If this is some cheap shot to get a little gratification, then I'm out of here." She started to get up. "Sit down!" yelled Eric with authority in his voice that he seemed to have misplaced years before. Monika sat down immediately and glanced at Tanya who raised her eyebrows, cocked her head and mouthed the word 'Wow'. Tanya was definitely impressed with Eric's command of the situation.
Eric was standing in the boat between them untangling the ropes and adjusting the pulleys. He attached the bottom to the oar and raised the pulleys with a pole to swing out over the boat. "Both of you are going to have to bear down hard with all your weight. That box down there is heavy and I'm going to need all the help I can get to pull it up." He handed Monika the end of a rope and said, "You are going to have to pull as hard as you can. I'll be lifting it from the bottom, but once I get to the surface, you're going to be doing most of the work. Just hold it and when I get in the boat I can help." Monika nodded. Eric stood there and looked at each woman. "Are we ready?" he asked them. They both nodded and Eric pushed the boat into the water. Once they were situated he jumped over the side with the hook to the pulley system in his hand.
Eric swam down, which was a lot easier this time with the rocks in his pockets. He scavenged around the bottom until he felt the metal lid. This time he found a small handle on what he thought was the side of the box. It felt sturdy and so he latched the hook to it and yanked twice on the rope. Eric saw the box slowly rise from the bottom of the lake. He pushed with his hands as Monika pulled from the top. When he broke the surface of the water, he could see Monika straining and Tanya pushing with her might to keep the two of them in the boat. Eric jumped in the boat and helped Monika raise the box and swing it into the boat. Once it was safely in they all relaxed and breathed a sigh of relief.
They didn't rest for long. Curiosity got the better of them. They were all staring at the box. Eric scooted over to the box and began pulling on the top, trying to manhandle it open. Monika was paddling to shore and said, "Just wait until we get back. I saw some tools in the trunk. We'll get it open."
Once they were on shore, Monika grabbed the keys from Eric and ran to the trunk. When she had the trunk open she reached under the spare and grabbed a gun then looked around the lake. She saw the red Volvo behind some trees not too far away. She a grabbed the tool box, and slamming the trunk, ran back to Eric. She slipped the gun in the back of her pants. "Here are the tools, won't take but just a second now," smiled Monika as she got near the other two.
“Xanadu won’t be far off, now.”, thought Eric as he pried the hasp loose. He needed real vacation and soon he’d be able to afford it. “Ok everybody, hold your breath.”, he said. The three of them looked at each other, and the box, waiting for the moment of truth. Eric pulled up on the broken hasp but the lid was stuck! Decades of being submerged had corroded the metal lip. He got a large screwdriver from the tool box and started working it around the lip. “Hurry up!”, Tanya pleaded. Finally, the lid broke loose. Eric slowly lifted the lid and they were amazed at what their eyes beheld. Another box!! Was there no end to this madness?!
Eric dumped out the slightly smaller box, which was wrapped in oilcloth, and slit the covering. Caution was thrown to the wind as he smashed the padlock with a hammer. Inside was revealed what they had risked all for, a dozen shining gold bars. As Tanya and Eric were drooling at the treasure, Monika stretched her arms above her head as if removing a kink in her shoulders. The Volvo across the lake moved their direction, using a logging road that circumnavigated the area. While Tanya and Eric were dreaming of no bounced checks for the next fifty years, the Volvo pulled up behind Monika. Eric immediately jumped up and confronted the stranger, “Hey, buddy! This is a private affair!” Monika pulled the pistol from her waistband and pointed it at Eric, “Not as private as you might think, dear boy.” The world spun out of control as Eric ‘s shock sank in, “Monika, how could you? Not you. Why?”
“While you’ve been gallivanting all over the globe, I met some interesting people at a few parties. One of them”, nodding towards Tanya, “was your girlfriend’s, brother.”, Monika explained, “We had several interests in common: Money, money, and more money. I love you loads, Eric, but love doesn’t get me a title and lands in the country.” She turned to the Volvo driver and asked, “Karl, did you clean out the warehouse?” “Ya wohl, Mein Herren. Die gold ist safe, like you wanted.” While Monika was talking to Karl, Eric made a lunge for her, but Karl drew his pistol and Eric almost fell over his own feet trying to stop. Monika quickly turned back to Eric, “Eric, baby, I really don’t want to hurt you but, if you’re not a good boy I’ll have to get rough.” “Dang! Now she wants to be ‘Lisa’!”, he thought sadly.
“Keep an eye on them Karl, I’ll load the gold.” Karl moved the aim of his pistol towards Monika, “I will keep my eye on all of you.”, he said. Monika looked like a deer in the headlights. So, it was the old triple-cross, eh? “Drop your weapon”, Karl told her. Monika was enraged! “You work for me, remember?!”, she yelled at him. “I work for no one!”, Karl yelled back, “Now drop your weapon!”
Tanya was trying be invisible and hoping they would just leave. She started this gig to find her so-called brother, but wound up finding more destruction and mayhem than a Saturday afternoon matinee in Dresden. If they made it out alive, she promised herself she’d settle down some place with a nice guy, and just live.
Monika wouldn’t let go of her passion for the gold and raised her pistol, screaming like a banshee at Karl. Eric took advantage of the distraction and leaped at Monika, grabbing her pistol and rolling, firing three rounds at Karl! Karl was hit and fired back, hitting Monika in the head! Eric emptied his gun into Karl, peppering his chest with nice round holes. Karl fell to the ground, dead as a doornail. Tanya was wadded into a ball and screaming, “NO, NO, NO!!” Eric rolled over to Monika and saw the wound. She was gone. And even though she might have killed him, he broke down and cried. She was the only person he could have trusted, and now, even that dream was shattered. His world was like a nightmare, and he just wanted to wake up.
"You all right?" asked Eric as he crawled toward Tanya. He could see she was in shock and hyperventilating. Her eyes were glazed and out of focus. Eric lifted her to her feet, held her and talked softly until her breathing returned to normal. He held her at arms length and asked, "Feeling better now?" She nodded her head and looked down at Monika and Karl. She immediately adverted her gaze and turned her back to the grisly scene.
"I'll take care of them and then we can get out of here," said Eric. He lifted Monika and put her in the back seat of the Volvo. He smoothed her hair from her eyes and said a silent farewell. He was remembering the good times they had and how he would miss her laughter. He felt tears burning in his eyes as he tore himself away and returned to his task. He lifted Karl and slid him behind the wheel of the car. Eric cranked the car and after throwing the weapons in the floorboard, put it in drive and watched it slowly drive itself into the water. He walked over to Tanya and placed his arm around her. They stood there until the car had sunk below the water level.
Tanya looked at Eric and said, "I don't think I can take much more of this. Too much death, greed and destruction. I wasn't cut out for this. All I wanted was to find my brother and bring him home." Eric nodded his head and guided her to the car and helped her into the passenger seat. He grabbed the gold and lugged it to the trunk. He wrestled the load inside and covered it with a dirty rag. He was torn between emotions. He was pleased he had the gold but sorry about the way it came into his hands. He figured that made he a greedy, self centered, sentimental fool but he thought he could live with that.
Eric walked to the driver’s door and got in the car after one more look around to be sure they didn't forget anything. Eric thought the block and tackle rig was someone else's worry and that it didn't look very suspicious. He got in the car, patted Tanya's arm and cranked the car.
"What now?" asked Tanya. 'Where are we going to go?"
"Where do you want to go? Anything special you want to do with the rest of your life?" Eric asked with a twinkle in his eye.
Zurich would be a good place to lay up for a while and get their bearings. The last few days had been like out of a dime novel, but with real danger and real lives lost. At the train station, they bought a few items, a suitcase, and a small steamer trunk and booked a berth. They were bone tired from a whirlwind adventure that had started aboard this very train. The conductor showed them to their room and set the suitcase against the wall. Eric gave him a tip and closed the door. Tanya was laid out on the sofa as soon as the door shut, beat and bewildered. Eric took off his coat, shoes and hat, and unfolded the Murphy bed.
The myriad of thoughts racing through his head were enough to make an insane person go straight. His closest friend had betrayed him. His present company had beguiled him. And his instinct for survival almost got him killed. Maybe he and Tanya could make a go of it together. After all, she did seem to like him a little and, they had a pension plan that wouldn’t quit. They say opposites attract, but maybe Einstein was wrong this time. They were two pages of the same tale, book marked in each other’s lives.
Eric turned to Tanya, who was sound asleep. He removed her shoes and coat, lifted her dress off and picked her up off the sofa, placing her gently on the bed. He then, peeled off his shirt, socks, and pants and pulled the shades. Lights off and ready to watch the back of his eyelids, Eric snuggled in close to Tanya, spooning with her, his face in her hair, her scent filling him. As if she might fly away, he wrapped his arm around her and then drifted into bliss, hypnotized with the clickaty-clack, clickaty-clack.
The End
By helpme911 & Pistol Pete - 8/10/03
Before the train left the station, Eric noticed a man peering over his newspaper at him, Fedora pulled low, and sweating. Ducking Stassi agents and divorce lawyers had become common, but this guy seemed a bit out of the ordinary. Eric made his way to the Pullman car and tossed his suitcase onto the Murphy bed. Murphy immediately sat up and screamed, "What the hell are you doing?! I didn't order the lobster bisque!" Eric soon realized he had crossed dreams and was the victim of Palpatomia, a rare genetic disorder found mostly in Fiji pearl divers. Not to be confused any longer, he opened the window and tossed Murphy through it, watching him hit the bridge embankment like a bug on a windshield.
Too many miles to go. Too many memories to forget. The colors were starting to return, but that only meant the elevation was lower. Austria was just up ahead and the Lederhosen Festival was in full swing. Hopefully, Monika would be in Strasburg and they could resume their pantomime of “Lisa of the Balkans: Warrior Wench” or, as he liked to hear her say it, “Lisa von der Balkan! Krieger Bitch!” The train wheels hummed along their mesmerizing song, “clickaty-clack, clickaty-clack, clickaty-clack, don’t talk back”, and sleep soon found Eric lying on the floor with his legs up the wall. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Clakety-click, clakety-click, clakety-click, Eric awoke to a familiar noise. He tried sitting up, but only managed to wrench his back in the process having forgotten that his legs were leaning against the wall and all the blood having flowed from them, were now numb. Clackety-click, clakety-click, clakety-click, Eric heard that familiar noise again. His feet fell from the wall as he realized where he had heard it before. He dragged himself to the door, opened it and laid his hand out the door to pull himself from his room. Clakety-click, clakety-click, clakety-clunk.
Eric screamed as the woman in the stilettos stepped on his hand! He raised his eyes to the most beautiful gams he had ever seen. Pain momentarily forgotten, he looked up to see the most beautiful woman he had seen in a while. He tried to free his hand of her heel but she just pressed harder. Eric liked that in a woman.
During this melee of unexpected pleasure, he couldn't help but think about Monika and how she'd love the view he had, and the payoff was incredible! Those legs could make a grown ape go man! "Uh, 'scuse me, Miss, but would you mind?" The dame in the Shriners hat slowly lifted her heel from his hand, allowing him to cringe in pain as he withdrew his mangled appendage.
"I'm terribly sorry, Mr....?" "Uh...Tanheuser. Eric Tanheuser. And you might be?" The lady looked both ways down the car and then lifted Eric by the shoulders and drug him back into his room. "Must be a bus mechanic", he thought. She sat down on the bed and tossed her hat to the bench across the room and just stared for a moment at Eric. "I've been watching you, Mr. 'Tanheuser', and I know that's not your real name." "Oh yeah? Well, you can call my mom and ask her. She'll tell ya!", replied Eric. "And besides, you haven't told me who you are! Damn, this hurts!", he said grinning.
Eric looked at the woman and repeated, "I said, this hurts! You could at least apologize." "I'm sorry", she said lifting his hand and bringing it to her ruby red lips. She kissed his boo-boo and as she delved deeply into his eyes, ran her tongue across his mangled flesh and made soft purring noises. Eric watched her and noticed her fiery red hair and porcelain skin. An hour or so later, he took back his hand and said, "So, I think now would be a good time for introductions. Just who might you be and why have you been watching me?"
“For your information, my name is Tanya Veebelfeester, and I want you to help me find my brother. He was last seen getting on a Harley with a girl in front of a Budapest cafe", she told him. Eric thought that sounded familiar. Two years earlier, he was sipping coffee outside Gamel Turic's cafe when a girl on a '42 Flathead pulled up and asked how to get to Cleveland. He walked over to tell her Cleveland was 9,000 miles west when she blew some kind of knockout dust in his face and he woke up naked in a Berlin park. The cops never did buy his story, but he made 273 Marks and change from passers-by who thought he was a derelict junkie.
"Wait a minute!", exclaimed Eric. "Is your brother Professor Miles Veebelfeester? The man who successfully spliced elf genes with a squash? That Veebelfeester?" "Yes Mr. Tanheuser, or is it…Dammerung?! Yes, I know your real name and also why you're in Austria." Eric was sure puzzled, now. Did this dame know Monika, too? Did she like handcuffs? Did she have a joint bank account? These questions and more would be sorted out in due time. Right now, he needed to whiz.
“Gene splicing, knockout dust, handcuffs.” What kind of a life did he lead, he thought as he walked to the bathroom. “I meet the strangest people and get into some of the most awkward situations”, he pondered as he closed the bathroom door. Remembering how he was so mesmerized by that white skinned beauty he thought about his goods beneath his pants. He panicked thinking she may have stolen them. He anxiously unbuttoned his pants and tore at the zipper trying desperately to see if his most treasured jewels had been taken from him. Finally, he touched the money belt with his fingers and a relieved sigh escaped his lips. He opened the belt and saw that the diamonds and Monika's picture were still there. He pulled the picture from the belt and stared at her wonderful face thinking, this was the most valuable thing he owned and the one thing he could not stand to lose. Of course the diamonds were good too, no doubt, and they would come in handy when he finally met up with Monika again. Still, he had business to handle with that magnificent creature in the other room. “Is it being unfaithful to Monika if she doesn't even know I'm coming? Who cares”, he thought. Don't ask, don't tell was his credo. He lit a cigarette and opened the bathroom door and saw nothing but legs and was enjoying every second of it.
Hopping over discarded shoes, he zeroed in on Tanya. She was sitting on the bed, knees up, reading The Art of War by Sun Tzu, in Chinese! This dame was into things that could lead to calamity! Then again, so was Eric, but his were self inflicted. He sat down on the bench across from her and just stared for a moment. “May ask you a question, Miss Veebelfeester?” Tanya lowered her book, looked Eric straight in the eyes and licked her eyebrows. Eric’s brain shot off into space for a moment and then he pulled the window shades. “Whoa! That’s a pretty neat trick! Wanna see what I can do?”, he asked excitedly. “Indulge me, Mr. Dammerung.”
Eric took off his coat and then opened his shirt to his waist. He placed his left hand in his right armpit and with great up and down flailing with his arm, produced a series of perfect fart sounds. “Betcha can’t do that!”, he said. Tanya reared back and put a hand behind each knee, kicked wildly, and proceeded to sound like The African Queen with a full head steam. Eric was stunned! Was there nothing this dame couldn’t do? After a few more challenges to each other, they needed a cigarette. It was about time for dinner so they got things in order and took off for the dining car.
Incessant knocking on the door stopped them in their tracks. They both mouthed to each other, "You expecting anyone?" and simultaneously shook their heads. Before Eric could reach for the door, it was kicked open and one of the biggest and ugliest men he had ever seen burst into the room. His hands were the size of small hams and the gun he was holding was as big and any cannon ever fired during the civil war. The behemoth looked at Tanya and said, "Hello, love." Eric was astonished as he stared at her and he screamed, "Good Lord, woman, it's always something with you isn't it?".
She didn't flash those pearly whites or even look in his direction, she just stared at the thing obstructing the doorway. The big man grinned and stepped forward, which in turn squeezed Eric and Tanya against the window of the train. Unfortunately for Tanya, her dress was caught in her belt, hiked up in the back, and left nothing to the imagination since she was not in the habit of wearing underwear. The big man closed the door and continued to grin.
Just as the train crossed a junction, a farm boy on a bicycle glanced up and saw Tanya’s full moon in the now uncovered window and plowed right into a stop sign! Meanwhile, back in the car, the big guy closed the door and reached into his coat pocket, still holding the gun on them. Eric and Tanya knew this was the end for them. The man slowly brought out an envelope, like bank cashiers use, and handed it towards Tanya. She still had a look of panic in her eyes but reached out and took it, never leaving his glare. Eric had to come up with a plan, and quick! He was sure they would miss the good entrees unless they got to the dining car before 7. “Uh…we were just going for dinner. Would you care to join us?”, he asked the man. The giant amoeba in the double breasted suit just turned and left the compartment, closing the door behind him.
“Look Tanya, or Tuesday, or whatever your name is, what’s going on around here?!!” Tanya pulled her butt off the widow with a loud pop and sat down on the bed, looking at the envelope. She carefully sliced it open with one of her Bowie Knife fingernails and opened it. Holding it upside down, a strange, 4 inch wide, triangular shaped piece of something slid out. They both stared at it for a few seconds and then Eric screamed, “MY GOD! THAT’S A NOSE!” It was a nose! But who’s? Tanya fainted dead away and Eric picked up the nose like it was a stewed rat. As he looked it over, it reminded him of something else. “Hmm…something here. But what?”, he pondered. And then it hit him like a one round fight at Casey’s Bar! “The folded napkins in a restaurant!” He checked his watch, it was 10 till 7. He could just make it if dippy here would just wake up. He slung Tanya over his shoulder and headed out. They had to pass through the cocktail lounge anyway, so people would probably just think she’s drunk.
Knocking her head against Eric's arse, Eric being a short trunked man, woke Tanya from her stupor. Luckily Eric had just finished caressing her behind as he pulled down her dress. "Hey, let me down," she screamed. Eric put her on her feet as they were passing between cars. "What I should do is drop you off the side of this train." Eric straightened his suit and glared at her. "Now," he said as he grabbed her arm, "What do you want for dinner? Something sure smells good." After the words came out of his mouth, he realized it was in poor taste and that the offensive object was still in his jacket pocket. They were led to a table in the back and after they were seated, Eric told her to spill the beans or she was paying for dinner. Tanya reached out and knocked over a bowl of pinto beans left from the previous customer and smiled. Eric shook his head and told her, "You're still paying for dinner." Eric reached into his pocket with a napkin, grabbed the nose and laid it on the table. "Anything you want to tell me?" he asked. "It's not real", she said flippantly. Eric stared at the revolting thing on the table and then quickly covered it up. "We used to be magicians, illusionists and quick change artists. He disappeared one day, disguised with that nose, and I haven't seen him since." Eric rolled his eyes, leaned into her and said, "And this is in addition to a gene splicer and a motorcyclist? What else, or is any of this true?" Tanya started sobbing, her chest heaving with despair as she dropped her face into her hands.
Leaning over, Eric put his left hand on Tanya’s shoulder and offered her a hankie with the other one. She took it without looking up and blew a great honking noise that rattled the widows. She looked up at Eric to say thanks and then noticed he had handed her the nose! AAHHHHHHHH!!!!! She was sure beside herself because Eric saw two of her, both lunging for his throat! “I’ll kill ya! I’ll kill ya with a knife!”, she screamed. The others in the dining car instantly took alarm and began moving towards the exits. The Matradee appeared on the scene, asking what all the commotion was about. “She, ah…she noticed there’s no Groundhog on the menu. What kind of cheap joint is this, anyway?!” Tanya was still grabbing at Eric’s clothes as he smacked her repeatedly with a bread stick. The German matradee figured “groundhog” meant pork sausage and assured the lady that they did indeed have some. “Listen you sick bastard, I want the fillet minion, shrimp cocktail and a Dom Perignon ’56. Got it?!!” The waiter snapped to attention, “Ya wohl, Mein Herren!”, and hoofed it as fast as he could to the kitchen. This lady was NUTS!
After accidentally getting poked in the eye with the bread stick, Tanya settled down a bit . “Look doll face, we’ll be in Strasburg in about two hours. We’ve got to lay out a plan before we get there.”, Eric told her. The food came very quickly and they discussed a few options for when they got off the train. It was obvious Tanya had been trailed by that behemoth and there were sure to be more problems ahead. “Waiter! There’s soup on my fly!”
"Monsieur, please, keep your voice down. If the other passengers find out, they will want one, also," begged the waiter in a whisper. Eric was shocked and his face reflected that. Tanya looked at him queerly and asked, "What is it?". Eric looked from her to the waiter and back at her and asked, "Did you hear that? Sir, " he said confronting the waiter, "you just called me 'Monsieur', I thought you were German." "Ah, Senor; German, French, what is the difference?" he asked as he slithered away. Eric felt as if he were is some diazapam dream and nothing around him was real. What was going on in his world or was this his world? He couldn't be sure anymore. "All right, Cuddles, let's hear it. Start near the beginning and tell me about your so-called brother you want me to find." Tanya sighed and lowered her hand from her injured eye and said, "After the police released my brother he left and told the bondsman that he would be back after he checked on his experiments. Three days later the bondsman went to his apartment and found it ransacked and traces of blood on the floor and walls but no sign of my brother. He found a few leads that he followed up on but they were all dead ends. Except one," she said as she stopped to sip some chocolate milk. She pulled a piece of paper from her bra and handed it to Eric. On the paper was a formula for one of his experiments. "So, your brother is now splicing elf genes with the born deaf? Is he making deaf elves or helping a deaf elf to hear?" asked Eric. "No, you moron, you have it upside down," she huffed as she reached over and righted the paper. "Oh, my lord!" screamed Eric as he realized what he was looking at. Tanya leaped over the table and clamped her hand over his mouth. "Shut up, you fool. Do you want everyone on this train to know what my brother had discovered?"
Nodding towards the end of the concourse, Tanya and Eric picked up their paltry amount of baggage and headed out to look for a taxi. Strasburg was a very old city with some narrow streets designed for carriages, but could still accommodate small cars. Just the ticket for eluding the curious. They stood in front of the station ready to hail a taxi when two cars screeched to a halt in front of them! Doors flung open and men with pistols and machineguns swarmed outside! Eric was grabbed and put in one car, and Tanya in the other, speeding away and careening around other cars and orange cones! Eric was sandwiched between two guys in the back seat. “You gotta be kiddin me! A Fiat?! I’d have expected at least a Mercedes. I have my standards, ya know.”, Eric said chastisingly. “Nicht sprechen!”, one of the guys told him. Maybe they just didn’t have anything to say. Maybe they were jerks. Maybe both.
In the meantime, Tanya was trying to hold her own in the other car. She managed to claw one thug, bringing blood and pain, and the other was trying to open the locked door to jump, screaming she was the incarnate of Der Fuhrer, while the driver, was swerving all over the road and almost hitting an on-coming truck. This woman was absolutely mad! After a 20 minute ride, the cars arrived behind an old stone building towards the west end of town. They were met by more machinegun wielding men, while the occupants in the second car bailed out like scalded apes! Anything to get away from Tanya!
After some wrangling, they were escorted inside. Their eyes took a minute to adjust to the darkness, when they saw a faint light about 50 feet away. Entering the room, they saw a lone table with something covered by a cloth. Eric, who wasn’t being shadowed by his new friends, walked over and lifted the cloth, revealing a small stack of shining gold bars. They both gawked at it for what seemed like seconds and then Eric picked one up for a closer look. He was amazed when he saw it had the stamping mark of the Reichbank, serial numbered and dated 1942! As they gazed upon this wondrous sight, a voice from the shadows broke the spell. It was Miles!
"Oh my pet, it's been a long time.", said Miles. Tanya jumped at the sound of her brothers voice, turned around and twisting her arms free from her guards, ran to Miles. She threw her arms around his neck and kissed his face over and over again.
"Well," said Eric putting the gold back on the table, "it looks like my job here is done. Tanya, your brother; Miles, your sister. There, now that I found him for you, I'll just be on my way." Eric turned to go toward the door when two of the goons stepped in front of him. Eric looked up and turned around saying, "Or not. I could stay a little longer. Tea would be nice, please." Miles and Tanya paid no attention but continued to embrace each other. Eric clearing his throat loudly and saying, "Can I get me some of that?"
"Of course," said Miles as he extracted himself from his sister. He walked over to Eric and wrapped his arms around him in a big bear hug. Kissing him on each cheek, he stepped back and glanced at Tanya saying, "Who is this, and why is he with you?" "I had enlisted his help in locating you, sweetie. And he has been an absolute doll, but not much help I have to say."
"Not much help!?" fumed Eric. "If it weren't for me you would be on your back with that behemoth in the cabin!"
"As if," stated Tanya. She walked to the table, picked up one of the gold bars and faced Miles. "Just what is this all about, Miles? Where did you get this and where have you been all this time? I've been worried sick you were hurt and, as you can see from the looks of my traveling companion, desperate to find you." "Hey!" yelled Eric. "I don't have to take this from you." "Yes, you do. Sit down and calm yourself.", said Tanya.
Eric sat in the only chair in the room mumbling sarcastically, "Thank you for all your help, Eric. You've been so kind, Eric. Thank you for dinner, Eric. Oh, and thank you for holding that disgusting nose in your pocket, Eric." One of the goons reached down and with the flat of his hand, smacked Eric on the back of his head sending him flying out of his chair and landing face down on the floor. "Ow!", said Eric rubbing the back of his head.
Pushing himself up from the floor, Eric was grabbed by the guy that smacked him. Tanya once again asked Miles what had happened to him all this time. “All in good time, snookums.”, he replied. Miles snapped his fingers and Tanya was also taken in-arm by two thugs. “Miles! What are you doing?!”, she asked in surprise. Her and Eric were immediately taken down a long hallway to another room, all the while Tanya asking questions in a panicked voice. There, in the middle of the room, set a gurney with leather restraints, and a few small tables to one side of it. A cluster of lights above shown down, leaving the rest of the room in an eerily darkness. A computer console glowed at the head of the gurney, wire probes dangling from an I.V. rack. Miles approached Tanya and placed his hand on her cheek. “You’re about to make me the happiest man alive”, he told her.
Eric was shoved into a chair, a pistol placed against his head! “Hey! Just remember I part my hair on this side, OK?” Tanya was manhandled over onto the gurney and strapped down tight. “Miles! What are you doing?! I came to find you! I don’t understand!”, she pleaded. Miles put on a smock and affixed an electronic eyepiece to his head. He switched on a bank of probes and then began to place them in strategic places on Tanya’s chest, neck and head. Tanya’s eyes were darting from side to side, grasping for anything that would explain what was happening to her. Miles lifted the towels that had covered surgical instruments on the tables. “It’s very simple.”
“Do you remember when you let me take microbe samples of that mole on your neck?”, he asked. “Yes”, she said, “but what does that have to do with you scaring me to death and all this?!” Miles moved around to her left side, a long needle-like device in hand. “Well”, he started, “I wasn’t just taking samples. I put a map on it.” “A MAP?!”, she hollered. “Yes my dear, a map. A map of the location of a huge stash of Nazi gold. Enough gold to last 100 lifetimes. And that map has to be extracted. Of course, to do that, you won’t be the same afterwards. I’ll have to enlarge your neck, a bit. Quite a bit, I’m afraid.” Well, neither Tanya, or Eric, liked the sound of "extracted" when it had to do with a lunatic, needles, and probes. The strap on her head was tightened to where she couldn’t move. Miles brought a nitrous mask towards her face, his face glaring with anticipation as visions of wealth and power filled his twisted mind. Eric, in the meantime, lit a cigarette and asked Tanya “Who’s desperate, now?” The guy beside him, smacked him again. “Ow! Stop that!” Eric had to think of something fast. He looked up and down the guy next to him and said, “Hey, your fly’s open.” The guy looked down and moved the pistol from Eric’s head just enough for Eric to flip the chair backwards and knock the gun out of his hand! The cigarette in an eye and a head-butt to the guy’s chin knocked him sideways as Eric scrambled for the gun, all the while holding his head, “Ow!”. The two other goons quickly made a dash for Eric, but he was in the dark and they couldn’t see him. Miles started screaming for them to, “Take care of him!”
Quickly and quietly, Eric moved around one of Miles' work tables. He noticed test tubes and bottles filled with liquid scattered about the workbench. Without thinking and without reading the labels on the bottles, as if he would know what it meant anyway, he picked up a tube of liquid and threw it at one of the bodyguards. The bottle shattered on the muscleman’s chest. A scream like that of a banshee issued forth from the man throat as he jumped around slapping his chest. Good choice, thought Eric hoping he would be as lucky next time. The goon’s partner was temporarily distracted and Eric took the opportunity to judge the distance between himself, the goons and Miles. He grabbed a handful of the test tubes and ran for Tanya.
Eric could tell from Tanya's face that she was terrified and begging for help from Eric. In Eric's haste to reach her and pull her safely into his arms he tripped over one of the many power cords that snaked across the floor. He heard a loud crash just as the bottles flew from his hand. They all heard a sizzling and hissing after the large machine crashed to the floor.
"Dammit!" yelled Miles. "Get him or I'll have both your heads in a jar!" Miles attempted to right the machine that had been sitting directly behind Tanya's head. He screamed as he touched the liquid that splattered on the casing. Eric jumped up and reached for Tanya just as one of the guards grabbed him from behind and tackled him to the floor. Tanya moaned knowing her only chance at escape had vanished with Eric's capture.
"Tie him up and make sure he can't escape," demanded Miles. Miles had managed to find and put on some rubber gloves in order to touch the machine without further damaging his flesh. "It's ruined! Do you know what you have done? It will take me months to get this up and running well enough to extract the information from my sister." Miles walked over to Eric sitting in the chair, grabbed him by the collar and said, "I ought to kill you now but I'm going to need you later. But keep in mind that your end will be one of the most gruesome ways I can imagine it to be." Miles let go of Eric and turned to the man securing Eric to the chair and said, "Get my sister off the table and tie her up as well. I have work to do. Mind you don't hurt her too much, she is still too valuable to lose."
Tanya seemed to relax and breathed a sigh as the bodyguard began to loosen her restraints. She was weak from fear and could hardly move and the large man lifted her from the table and carried her across the room. The man placed her in a chair next to Eric and she quickly threw her arms around Eric's neck and kissed him on the cheek, "Thanks, anyway," she managed to say before the man snatched her back and tied her hands behind her back.
Reaching carefully into his coat pocket, Eric slowly withdrew the nose and put one nostril over his left index finger. He pulled it back like a rubber band and let it fly into the guard’s face! It hit an eye and Eric lunged for the man’s pistol he could see in a shoulder holster, grabbing it and putting two slugs in goon! Eric now turned to the other schmucks who were milling around Miles. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! One shot, one kill. All those years of popping cans floating in rivers finally paid off. The other guards would soon be there, but Eric had his sights on Miles right now. No place to run. No place to hide. Miles was screwed.
“Ok, laughing boy, seems the tables are turned, now.”, Eric said with a grin. “You can’t stop me from my dream, Ethan!”, replied Miles. “ERIC! IT’S ERIC! Ya know, for a guy who supposed to be a genius, YOU CAN’T REMEMBER SQUAT!”, yelled our hero. “Get over here!”, Eric told him, motioning towards Tanya. “Untie her. NOW!” Miles fiddled with the ropes as Eric kept vigil on the hallway, expecting the other guards to show up at any minute. Mile’s pulled a scalpel he had hidden up his sleeve, “Drop the gun or Tanya gets a new look. DO IT!” Eric had the most dejected look on his face. They really weren’t going to get out this alive. He dropped his arm to his side and then, raised it straight as an arrow, putting a round dead center of Miles’ forehead! “Never bring a knife to a gunfight.”, Eric calmly recited.
Tanya was in shock. None of this was supposed to be happening! All she wanted was to find Miles and now he was dead, killed by the very person she used to find him. Her world was in total madness! Eric put the P-38 in his waistband and used the scalpel to cut Tanya’s bindings. He helped her out of the chair and she slapped him extremely hard, “OW!!” “That”, she said, “was for killing my brother!” Eric looked her in the eyes and said, “He wasn’t your brother. Only people from Arkansas kiss their siblings with such passion. He was your lover, at one time.” Tanya was for once, at a total loss for words. “How…how did you know?”, she asked. “It doesn’t matter, babe. A world of hurt is about to come down on us if we don’t get outta here, now!”, he told her. “Come on.”
Eric picked up two more guns off the floor, and put them in his coat pockets. He checked the mag in the one he had: 2 rounds left. They made their way down the hall and heard running towards them. They ducked close to a doorway halfway down the hall, the other guards running passed them in the darkness to the Death Room. Tanya and Eric moved quickly to the outside door, carefully looking for any more guards along the way. “Looks like it’s clear, Toots.” Peeking around the opening door, Eric spotted two guards leaning against one of the cars. This was no time to make with nice conversation. Eric calmly walked up to the guards, who had a look of perplexity on their faces, and shot both of them dead! Our two fugitives hopped into a BMW and Eric peeled out down the alleyway, leaving their new friends, and the gold, behind.
After they were out on the highway, Eric turned to Tanya, “Well, that was fun! What say we tie steaks to our necks and swim with sharks?!” Tanya was staring out the side window, staring to another time. She finally turned to Eric, “How did you know we weren’t brother and sister?” “Like I said’, Eric replied, “brothers and sisters don’t usually carry on like you two were. And another thing…there’s something familiar about you. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, but……” Tanya was looking at Eric. Eric looked at Tanya and then reached over and grabbed her by the hair! It came off, revealing a short blonde haircut! “That’s where I know you from!”, he said. “You’re the girl on the Harley! You cost me a night in jail! I thought I was going to have to marry a kraut tranny!” Tanya pulled back against the door, eyes wide and wild looking. Eric tried to keep his eyes on the road as they whizzed across town. He wanted to dump this loony, fast, and find Monika. He needed a break! He also needed one of Monika’s bubble baths, complete with sword dancing and Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkeries’ played at 120 decibels. But, he also needed to know what the heck was going on.
Suffering through the dead silence in the car gave Eric a chance to think. “Who is this girl and what is it that she wants from me?” And the one question Eric never asked himself until now, “Why did she come to me for help? Why the elaborate hoaxes and disguises? Why am I asking myself all these questions? Why don't I ask her? Am I afraid of the answers?” Shaking his head to clear it, he looked over at Tanya. She was leaning her face against the cool glass of the window, her eyes were closed and her hand was resting on her heart. Her breathing was deep and rhythmic and though he wanted and needed answers, he was loath to wake her.
Eric had no idea where to go from here, so he just drove....he would drive until Tanya woke up. It would give him a chance to think and maybe make some plans, perhaps funeral arrangements for himself in case this chick gets him killed.
On impulse, Eric started looking for a medical supply store. “Hey”, he thought, “even if you beat them, you can still join them. I think I'll take a look at that mole myself and maybe find out what is really going on.” Eric pulled into the Strasburg Medical Supply House and, leaving Tanya in the car, he went inside. When he returned Tanya was still asleep. He put the microscope in the trunk and returned to the front seat. Tanya stirred in her sleep. She turned to her left side and slowly slipped down the seat until her head was resting on Eric’s lap. Eric smiled as he cranked the car and thought, maybe this day will turn out all right after all.
“Time to get this show on the road.”, he thought. The only person he had any trust in, was Monika. They’d head for her place over by the Staadt Opera Haus. Damn, how he missed Monika and her stately townhouse. The paintings and antiques, the in-house movie theater, the four person shower and Henry VIII bed. “I need a vacation.”
Pulling up in front of Monika’s place felt like home. Tanya was still out, but mumbling about weasels, Jell-O, and fountain pens. She looked so peaceful lying there with her face in his crotch. He really didn’t want to disturb her but, they had to get inside and out of sight. Eric shook her shoulder till she came to and raised up. “What? Huh? Where are we?”, she asked. “We’re at Monika’s. Get up!” Tanya raised up, wiping her face and looking like she was still in lah-lah land, which she was. Eric got out and opened the trunk, retrieving the microscope. Tanya followed to the front door, whereas, Eric swung one of the large knockers and thought of Monika for some reason. “Damn, she has to be home!”, he said. A rattling of the lock brought hope. The door opened to reveal Monika and the surprise and glow in her eyes could blind the sun! “ERIC!!!” She threw her arms around his neck, almost crushing his top five vertebrae. “Baby! Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?!”, she exclaimed, and then looked passed him to Tanya. Curiously, she asked, “Um…who is your friend?” “She’s another story.”, he replied, “I really need your help, sweetie!”
Eric explained as best he could to Monika what had happened so far. “You never change, do you?”, Monika asked wryly. “Not for you, my dear.”, he replied with a grin. Tanya, in the meantime, was milling around the living room, looking at all the neat stuff. Eric called her over and put the microscope case on a table. “Oh yeah, Monika, this is Tanya. Tanya…Monika.” The two women nodded towards each other. Eric took out the microscope and told Tanya what he wanted to do. He had her lie down on a fainting couch and took the base off the scope so he could get in close to her mole. He fiddled with the focus for a bit and then saw what Miles was after.
“My God! Look at this!”, he hollered. “What?! What?!”, Tanya asked. “Don’t move! It screws up the focus!”, Eric told her. Tanya had an indignant look on her face. Monika took a look and gasped!, “That looks like a…a…pony riding a clown!” It was a pony riding a clown! But, it also resembled the outline of a lake nearby. Eric got Monika’s Atlas of Austria and searched the surrounding area. “There it is! Come on!” Tanya was still asking “What?! What?!” as they made a mad dash to the Beemer and took off for Lake Weinerschlichen.
Undressing Monika with his eyes as they all ran to the car, Eric was having difficulty concentrating on the discovery he'd made. Monika beat Tanya to the front seat even though Tanya yelled “Shotgun!”. Monika looked at him knowing that he was imagining lurid things he was going to do to her. He glanced at Monika and winked his eye. She blushed and looked down to fasten her seatbelt. Taking that opportunity to look in his rear view mirror at Tanya, he caught her eye. He smiled and winked his other eye at her. She smiled a half smile back at him and turned to look out the window.
Tanya finally broke the awkward silence by asking where they were going. "Tanya, your lover etched a map onto the mole on your neck. I feel sure it is Lake Weinerschlichen. Once we get there, we'll examine your mole a little closer and see where to go next." "Do you think this has anything to do with the gold bar Miles had?" asked Tanya. "I think it has everything to do with it. If I'm right, we could all be very wealthy," replied Eric. Monika was looking from one to the other during the conversation still trying to understand all they had been through. But when the subject of the gold bar came up, Monika straightened in her seat and began to really listen. Monika looked out the back window of the car and noticed a red Volvo. Looking back at Eric she said, "How will we know where to look for the gold? It's a big lake and is surrounded by acres and acres of land." "Tanya will tell us, or rather her mole will.", said Eric glancing at Tanya in the mirror.
When they arrived at the lake, Eric scouted around for a private place they could park and reexamine Tanya's neck. He finally parked the car behind some trees and retrieved the microscope from the front seat. "Tanya, if you don't mind, would you lie down on the seat and let me look at you neck again?" Tanya complied and Eric, using the microscope, explored the etching. "Monika," said Eric still looking through the eyepiece, "look on the map for a clearing amongst a pine forest. I think that is where we start. I hope we don't need shovels, but we do need a better light than this to really see this map well."
As Monika was perusing the map, she looked up to see the red Volvo on the other side of the lake. Monika glanced at Eric and then looked back to the map. "Here, I think this is it.", Monika said pointing to a spot on the map. "Excellent," said Eric, "let's go then."
Valley of The Goths, the map called it. Roman legions had fought here in the 3rd century. Seems like there was still upheaval on these lands. Only the participants had changed.
Our three intrepid adventurers made their way through a stand of pines on the south end of the clearing and to the edge of the lake. Eric had marked the map with little symbols he saw on Tanya’s mole. They were set in a triangle so, Eric figured the loot was in the middle of that triangle. First, there was an odd rock shaped like an old man’s face. “Ok, there’s one.”, said Eric pointing to about a hundred yards in front of them. Next, they looked for something a symbol showed as a Greek sun. They searched the area, looking twice at everything. “There it is! There it is!”, Tanya yelled with glee, like a school girl who had just won a stuffed tiger at a carnival. It was a very old oak tree, maybe a few hundred years old. It had bulged in the middle and small branches had grown outward resembling sort of a stylized sun. “Ok, two down and one to go.” The third symbol was a real puzzler. “Ok everyone, look sharp. We’re almost home on this one.”, Eric told them. The third symbol was two dots above a crescent. They scanned the foliage and hills, begging for the key. Monika was looking towards the late afternoon sun and noticed movement across the lake at the Volvo. Hand across her forehead and squinting against the glare, she saw the driver walking back out of the trees, buttoning his pants, and then driving off. Eric was scanning in all directions and then saw the third puzzle piece! “Monika! Don’t move a muscle!”, he hollered. As she stood there looking like a statue of The Lone Mariner, Eric glanced at her, then to the two formations, and then back to Monika. “That’s it!”, he said excitedly pointing at her. “What?! What?!” Monika and Tanya were sure confused. “Your face! That’s it!”, he said. “Of course it’s my face, you nut! What are talking about?!” Monika’s eyes above her turned up mouth looked like the third symbol. Sure, it was a long shot, but Eric and this writer had to go on it.
Eric told them he was going to swim out to what looked to be the center of all three markers and that once he got there, Monika could move again. The water was cold as a witch’s tit in a brass bra! Both women had wondered if he had on briefs or boxers, but not anymore. Eric wished he had on a wetsuit! “My buddy will never be the same.” Brrrrrrr.
He got to the mid point and took a breath before diving as fast as possible. The lake was murky passed about 20 feet and he wasn’t at all used to doing this. He didn’t have to dive too deep because the lake was only 12 feet deep here due to a sandbar. He felt around for a few seconds and then had to get some air. The women watched him surface and then go down again. For some reason, they were getting a bit excited and hot. He repeated this a dozen times until his hand raked against something hard. On the surface, he yelled at the babes and went under again. Wrestling to free the object from the mud, Eric struggled to move heavy object. There was no way he was going to get this thing out without help.
He swam back to shore and told the girls they would have to find a boat which was, conveniently, only about 20 yards away tied under a tree. They were amazed to find a block and tackle rig in the boat! Hmmm, I wonder how that got there.
While the girls were dragging the boat to the water line, Eric was loading his pants with rocks to help him sink faster and possibly stay under a little longer. He thought he was going to need all the time he could get, that box was heavy. Before the girls had the boat completely in the water, Eric stopped them so he could figure out a way to work the equipment from inside the boat.
"OK girls, I'm going to need your help here. Let's lay this oar across the boat so that both ends are resting on the sides. Monika you sit on the oar on that side and Tanya, you sit on the oar on this side. Both of you need to be facing each other straddling the oar with your feet locked under the bench."
Monika, looking at herself and Tanya, glared at Eric and said, "If this is some cheap shot to get a little gratification, then I'm out of here." She started to get up. "Sit down!" yelled Eric with authority in his voice that he seemed to have misplaced years before. Monika sat down immediately and glanced at Tanya who raised her eyebrows, cocked her head and mouthed the word 'Wow'. Tanya was definitely impressed with Eric's command of the situation.
Eric was standing in the boat between them untangling the ropes and adjusting the pulleys. He attached the bottom to the oar and raised the pulleys with a pole to swing out over the boat. "Both of you are going to have to bear down hard with all your weight. That box down there is heavy and I'm going to need all the help I can get to pull it up." He handed Monika the end of a rope and said, "You are going to have to pull as hard as you can. I'll be lifting it from the bottom, but once I get to the surface, you're going to be doing most of the work. Just hold it and when I get in the boat I can help." Monika nodded. Eric stood there and looked at each woman. "Are we ready?" he asked them. They both nodded and Eric pushed the boat into the water. Once they were situated he jumped over the side with the hook to the pulley system in his hand.
Eric swam down, which was a lot easier this time with the rocks in his pockets. He scavenged around the bottom until he felt the metal lid. This time he found a small handle on what he thought was the side of the box. It felt sturdy and so he latched the hook to it and yanked twice on the rope. Eric saw the box slowly rise from the bottom of the lake. He pushed with his hands as Monika pulled from the top. When he broke the surface of the water, he could see Monika straining and Tanya pushing with her might to keep the two of them in the boat. Eric jumped in the boat and helped Monika raise the box and swing it into the boat. Once it was safely in they all relaxed and breathed a sigh of relief.
They didn't rest for long. Curiosity got the better of them. They were all staring at the box. Eric scooted over to the box and began pulling on the top, trying to manhandle it open. Monika was paddling to shore and said, "Just wait until we get back. I saw some tools in the trunk. We'll get it open."
Once they were on shore, Monika grabbed the keys from Eric and ran to the trunk. When she had the trunk open she reached under the spare and grabbed a gun then looked around the lake. She saw the red Volvo behind some trees not too far away. She a grabbed the tool box, and slamming the trunk, ran back to Eric. She slipped the gun in the back of her pants. "Here are the tools, won't take but just a second now," smiled Monika as she got near the other two.
“Xanadu won’t be far off, now.”, thought Eric as he pried the hasp loose. He needed real vacation and soon he’d be able to afford it. “Ok everybody, hold your breath.”, he said. The three of them looked at each other, and the box, waiting for the moment of truth. Eric pulled up on the broken hasp but the lid was stuck! Decades of being submerged had corroded the metal lip. He got a large screwdriver from the tool box and started working it around the lip. “Hurry up!”, Tanya pleaded. Finally, the lid broke loose. Eric slowly lifted the lid and they were amazed at what their eyes beheld. Another box!! Was there no end to this madness?!
Eric dumped out the slightly smaller box, which was wrapped in oilcloth, and slit the covering. Caution was thrown to the wind as he smashed the padlock with a hammer. Inside was revealed what they had risked all for, a dozen shining gold bars. As Tanya and Eric were drooling at the treasure, Monika stretched her arms above her head as if removing a kink in her shoulders. The Volvo across the lake moved their direction, using a logging road that circumnavigated the area. While Tanya and Eric were dreaming of no bounced checks for the next fifty years, the Volvo pulled up behind Monika. Eric immediately jumped up and confronted the stranger, “Hey, buddy! This is a private affair!” Monika pulled the pistol from her waistband and pointed it at Eric, “Not as private as you might think, dear boy.” The world spun out of control as Eric ‘s shock sank in, “Monika, how could you? Not you. Why?”
“While you’ve been gallivanting all over the globe, I met some interesting people at a few parties. One of them”, nodding towards Tanya, “was your girlfriend’s, brother.”, Monika explained, “We had several interests in common: Money, money, and more money. I love you loads, Eric, but love doesn’t get me a title and lands in the country.” She turned to the Volvo driver and asked, “Karl, did you clean out the warehouse?” “Ya wohl, Mein Herren. Die gold ist safe, like you wanted.” While Monika was talking to Karl, Eric made a lunge for her, but Karl drew his pistol and Eric almost fell over his own feet trying to stop. Monika quickly turned back to Eric, “Eric, baby, I really don’t want to hurt you but, if you’re not a good boy I’ll have to get rough.” “Dang! Now she wants to be ‘Lisa’!”, he thought sadly.
“Keep an eye on them Karl, I’ll load the gold.” Karl moved the aim of his pistol towards Monika, “I will keep my eye on all of you.”, he said. Monika looked like a deer in the headlights. So, it was the old triple-cross, eh? “Drop your weapon”, Karl told her. Monika was enraged! “You work for me, remember?!”, she yelled at him. “I work for no one!”, Karl yelled back, “Now drop your weapon!”
Tanya was trying be invisible and hoping they would just leave. She started this gig to find her so-called brother, but wound up finding more destruction and mayhem than a Saturday afternoon matinee in Dresden. If they made it out alive, she promised herself she’d settle down some place with a nice guy, and just live.
Monika wouldn’t let go of her passion for the gold and raised her pistol, screaming like a banshee at Karl. Eric took advantage of the distraction and leaped at Monika, grabbing her pistol and rolling, firing three rounds at Karl! Karl was hit and fired back, hitting Monika in the head! Eric emptied his gun into Karl, peppering his chest with nice round holes. Karl fell to the ground, dead as a doornail. Tanya was wadded into a ball and screaming, “NO, NO, NO!!” Eric rolled over to Monika and saw the wound. She was gone. And even though she might have killed him, he broke down and cried. She was the only person he could have trusted, and now, even that dream was shattered. His world was like a nightmare, and he just wanted to wake up.
"You all right?" asked Eric as he crawled toward Tanya. He could see she was in shock and hyperventilating. Her eyes were glazed and out of focus. Eric lifted her to her feet, held her and talked softly until her breathing returned to normal. He held her at arms length and asked, "Feeling better now?" She nodded her head and looked down at Monika and Karl. She immediately adverted her gaze and turned her back to the grisly scene.
"I'll take care of them and then we can get out of here," said Eric. He lifted Monika and put her in the back seat of the Volvo. He smoothed her hair from her eyes and said a silent farewell. He was remembering the good times they had and how he would miss her laughter. He felt tears burning in his eyes as he tore himself away and returned to his task. He lifted Karl and slid him behind the wheel of the car. Eric cranked the car and after throwing the weapons in the floorboard, put it in drive and watched it slowly drive itself into the water. He walked over to Tanya and placed his arm around her. They stood there until the car had sunk below the water level.
Tanya looked at Eric and said, "I don't think I can take much more of this. Too much death, greed and destruction. I wasn't cut out for this. All I wanted was to find my brother and bring him home." Eric nodded his head and guided her to the car and helped her into the passenger seat. He grabbed the gold and lugged it to the trunk. He wrestled the load inside and covered it with a dirty rag. He was torn between emotions. He was pleased he had the gold but sorry about the way it came into his hands. He figured that made he a greedy, self centered, sentimental fool but he thought he could live with that.
Eric walked to the driver’s door and got in the car after one more look around to be sure they didn't forget anything. Eric thought the block and tackle rig was someone else's worry and that it didn't look very suspicious. He got in the car, patted Tanya's arm and cranked the car.
"What now?" asked Tanya. 'Where are we going to go?"
"Where do you want to go? Anything special you want to do with the rest of your life?" Eric asked with a twinkle in his eye.
Zurich would be a good place to lay up for a while and get their bearings. The last few days had been like out of a dime novel, but with real danger and real lives lost. At the train station, they bought a few items, a suitcase, and a small steamer trunk and booked a berth. They were bone tired from a whirlwind adventure that had started aboard this very train. The conductor showed them to their room and set the suitcase against the wall. Eric gave him a tip and closed the door. Tanya was laid out on the sofa as soon as the door shut, beat and bewildered. Eric took off his coat, shoes and hat, and unfolded the Murphy bed.
The myriad of thoughts racing through his head were enough to make an insane person go straight. His closest friend had betrayed him. His present company had beguiled him. And his instinct for survival almost got him killed. Maybe he and Tanya could make a go of it together. After all, she did seem to like him a little and, they had a pension plan that wouldn’t quit. They say opposites attract, but maybe Einstein was wrong this time. They were two pages of the same tale, book marked in each other’s lives.
Eric turned to Tanya, who was sound asleep. He removed her shoes and coat, lifted her dress off and picked her up off the sofa, placing her gently on the bed. He then, peeled off his shirt, socks, and pants and pulled the shades. Lights off and ready to watch the back of his eyelids, Eric snuggled in close to Tanya, spooning with her, his face in her hair, her scent filling him. As if she might fly away, he wrapped his arm around her and then drifted into bliss, hypnotized with the clickaty-clack, clickaty-clack.
The End