rv581
01-26-03, 10:54 PM
from www.laststory.com
“Fourteen Sexual Fantasies I Just Don’t Understand”
I’ll admit it: I’ve viewed pornography online. Has anyone else? What—no hands? Oh, I see—I’m single-handedly keeping the billion dollar pornography industry afloat. You bunch of worthless liars…
It’s human nature to be curious about what goes on in the bedrooms of others and wonder what someone else looks like disrobed. The curiosity factor, as much as any hints of eroticism, leads many of us to point-and-click to these taboo webpages and see what we may find. And after flipping through a few thousand of these sites, you know what I’ve learned? I’m pretty normal. My sexual fantasies are relatively simplistic: I like for a woman to take off her clothes, get naked, and have sex with me. Nothing strange—no midgets, nipple-clamps, or leather whips. And thank God for my vanilla tastes; it’s challenging enough to find someone who’s normal… I don’t even know where I’d go to find a girl who’d let me dress her in a sailor suit while I drop a bowling ball on her head and jerk-off in her shoes. But the Internet has publicized all sorts of strange sexual turn-ons... and the fact that these pictures are so widely distributed indicates that these sexual fantasies aren’t as uncommon as we might think. Some of the fantasies I sort of understand. Things like uniforms—the idea of a school teacher or policewoman removing her outfit and giving the camera a “come-hither” pout is sexy. A breast fetish makes a modicum of sense; after all, if breasts weren’t linked to attractiveness, women wouldn’t spend thousands of dollars on implants. But others fantasies are completely over my head. Here are a few of ‘em that that simply defy earthly comprehension:
Urination: There are a lot of pictures of girls peeing online. The only thing that is even remotely sexy about this is that, most of the time, the girl is showing her pussy while pissing—and I’m pro-pussy. But other than that… what’s the big deal about urine? Why is this a turn-on? Some of these webpages show a girl peeing in the toilet or in the backyard—and some take it further, with groups of people peeing on each other. For me, when I look at a naked girl who’s acting sexy, I imagine fucking her. But no matter how hot a chic is, I wouldn’t wanna even touch her while she’s drenched in piss—let alone fuck her. You know what I mean? Shania Twain might be the hottest piece of ass on the planet… but Shania Twain with piss-scented hair is a nasty skank. Not good.
Older Women: I’m not talking about slightly-older girls who are in their late 30s and early 40s. I’m talking about webpages devoted to grannies in their 60s and 70s. Why would anyone wanna look at someone’s wrinkled Great Aunt Gertrude strapping on a dildo? That’s not sexy. In fact, it might make my penis grow feet and run in the opposite direction.
Body Hair: What a girl does with her pubic hair is up to her; some shave their cooters completely bald, others leave a pussy Mohawk instead. But some women, apparently, don’t do any hedging around the edges… and proudly display their pubic-jungle online. Some take it even further and flaunt their hairy legs and pits. To me, part of a woman’s appeal is her femininity—the fact that she’s soft, small, and relatively hair-free. Why would you want to fuck someone who looks like Chewbacca? If you’re into girls with loads of body hair, I’ve got bad news for you: You’re probably gay. Go over to the other side and take these female gorillas with you.
Feet Fetishes: Some body-part related fetishes I sort of understand. Boobs are cool and the vagina is interesting… but why feet? Feet aren’t even remotely affiliated with the sexual process. Why not elbows or forearms? Feet are just… feet.
Shemales: I get annoyed by shemales because they’re sneaky. I mean, there you are, minding your own business, surfing the ‘net and viewing some all-American porn when you see a good-looking babe wearing a sexy evening gown… the pictures start slowly popping up on your screen, showing her in various stages of undress… you get towards the end and she pulls down her panties… and AAAAHHHRRGH!! “She” has a penis! And you get so disgusted with yourself for initially getting turned-on that you quickly unplug your computer and rinse your eyes out with boiling water and industrial soap. Here’s a quick news flash for the guys out there: If “she” has a penis, than “she” is a he—and if you’re into a “she” with a penis than you’re gay. Case closed. Just because Wally the Mechanic has breast implants doesn’t change the fact that Wally the Mechanic pees standing up. This is just sick.
Midgets: If a girl was simply short this wouldn’t be a big deal, but a lot of these midgets have arms and legs disproportionate to their bodies. I dunno… I’m more medically interested in what a naked midget looks like than actually turned-on. Plus, I’m sort of scared of midgets. They look like something George Lucas might create. Although, to be candid, I did fall in love with a midget once. Yeah… I was nuts over her! Ha! I kill me!
Fat Girls: Hey, I’m not a chauvinist pig. If a girl is carrying around a little extra luggage in her trunk, it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker. If a girl gains a little extra weight and her tits get bigger, that’s not so terrible. But if she’s so big that she actually has her own gravitation field, than we have a (sizable) problem. A 300 pound heifer naked on a beach towel isn’t pretty. And it’s grossly unfair to the beach towel.
Clothes: Some sites feature women who are still clothed. They might remove a few items of clothing, like a hat and a jacket, but they’re still wearing their bra and panties by the final frame. This pisses me off! It’s called pornography for a reason. If I wanted to look at girls who wear clothes I’d be watching network TV. Let’s see some nudity, for Christ’s sake! Show some commitment! Just out of principle I refuse to masturbate to any girl who’s still wearing her bra or panties. What, she thinks she’s so attractive that she can induce an orgasm from me without even taking off her top? Sounds awfully snobbish to me…
Weird Insertions: For the record, I’m not against the use of toys in pornography. In fact, some of the hottest photos are of girls playing with vibrators as they roll around the floor, moaning in pure ecstasy. I’m not talking about this. I’m talking about a girl ramming a toaster oven up her twat. That ain’t sexy. It’s a testament to feminine elasticity, I suppose, but there’s nothing sexy about a girl managing to squeeze 16 DVDs and an armchair up her ass. Understand?
Bestiality: To me, the only interesting aspect to bestiality is that someone—anyone—who lives on this planet is willing to be photographed fucking a herd of goats. That’s an interesting recreational expression… but it’s not erotic. Although, it probably does wonders for the goat’s self-esteem…
Excessive Bondage: Hey, a little role-playing or good-natured spanking is Ok with me. Tying a woman’s arms to the bed posts while you do “stuff” can be sexy. But some of these webpages take the bondage to an uncomfortable extreme… I’m talkin’ about beating the girl with a shovel as she’s blindfolded, gagged, and stuffed into a birdcage. That’s just not nice.
Women Dominating Men: I guess some dudes have an inferiority complex of some kind, ‘cause apparently, many guys are turned on by images of a girl kicking the shit out of a naked man. I’ve got a few problems with this. First of all, the guy is naked and that’s not what I’m looking for in terms of erotica. If I wanted to see a naked guy, than I’d take my clothes off and stand in front of a mirror. Second of all, it’s the role of the guy to be the dominator—not the dominatee. See, I’m unable to masturbate if I’ve got no balls… and what could be more emasculating that some sick bitch forcing a dude to wear a diaper as she bashes his head in with a cinder block?
Cartoons: What am I, in preschool? Cartoons? Most of the ‘toon-erotica seems to be from Japan, with images of scantily-clad cartoon babes in strange sci-fi settings. I dunno… Jerking off to a cartoon should be a last resort, not your first stop. It’s what you do when the computer’s broken, you can’t find any of your magazines, and Wilma Flintstone is wearing a bathing suit, splashing around with Betty Rubble. But show a little patience, for God’s sake, and find a picture of a REAL girl. Are ya with me?
Pregnancy: Women come in all shapes and sizes. There’s no shortage of feminine beauty to choose from. Some guys like blondes, others brunettes. Some like the slender, athletic build, others prefer voluptuous curves. Some dig tight-bodied Latinos, others the more innocent face of Asians. But what sort of sick fuck thinks, “Gee, you know what would really turn me on? A woman with a horribly distended belly who has a kid in her stomach! Yeah! That would be hot!” Hey, here’s a philosophical question for all you Pro-Lifers: Is fucking a pregnant woman technically a menage-a-trois?
Fantasies are just fantasies; they don’t mean anything in and of themselves. Just remember that it’s fine to be kinky—but it’s not fine to be a pervert. And how can you tell the difference? According to the classic definition, kinky is using a feather in bed… Perverted is using the whole chicken.
“Fourteen Sexual Fantasies I Just Don’t Understand”
I’ll admit it: I’ve viewed pornography online. Has anyone else? What—no hands? Oh, I see—I’m single-handedly keeping the billion dollar pornography industry afloat. You bunch of worthless liars…
It’s human nature to be curious about what goes on in the bedrooms of others and wonder what someone else looks like disrobed. The curiosity factor, as much as any hints of eroticism, leads many of us to point-and-click to these taboo webpages and see what we may find. And after flipping through a few thousand of these sites, you know what I’ve learned? I’m pretty normal. My sexual fantasies are relatively simplistic: I like for a woman to take off her clothes, get naked, and have sex with me. Nothing strange—no midgets, nipple-clamps, or leather whips. And thank God for my vanilla tastes; it’s challenging enough to find someone who’s normal… I don’t even know where I’d go to find a girl who’d let me dress her in a sailor suit while I drop a bowling ball on her head and jerk-off in her shoes. But the Internet has publicized all sorts of strange sexual turn-ons... and the fact that these pictures are so widely distributed indicates that these sexual fantasies aren’t as uncommon as we might think. Some of the fantasies I sort of understand. Things like uniforms—the idea of a school teacher or policewoman removing her outfit and giving the camera a “come-hither” pout is sexy. A breast fetish makes a modicum of sense; after all, if breasts weren’t linked to attractiveness, women wouldn’t spend thousands of dollars on implants. But others fantasies are completely over my head. Here are a few of ‘em that that simply defy earthly comprehension:
Urination: There are a lot of pictures of girls peeing online. The only thing that is even remotely sexy about this is that, most of the time, the girl is showing her pussy while pissing—and I’m pro-pussy. But other than that… what’s the big deal about urine? Why is this a turn-on? Some of these webpages show a girl peeing in the toilet or in the backyard—and some take it further, with groups of people peeing on each other. For me, when I look at a naked girl who’s acting sexy, I imagine fucking her. But no matter how hot a chic is, I wouldn’t wanna even touch her while she’s drenched in piss—let alone fuck her. You know what I mean? Shania Twain might be the hottest piece of ass on the planet… but Shania Twain with piss-scented hair is a nasty skank. Not good.
Older Women: I’m not talking about slightly-older girls who are in their late 30s and early 40s. I’m talking about webpages devoted to grannies in their 60s and 70s. Why would anyone wanna look at someone’s wrinkled Great Aunt Gertrude strapping on a dildo? That’s not sexy. In fact, it might make my penis grow feet and run in the opposite direction.
Body Hair: What a girl does with her pubic hair is up to her; some shave their cooters completely bald, others leave a pussy Mohawk instead. But some women, apparently, don’t do any hedging around the edges… and proudly display their pubic-jungle online. Some take it even further and flaunt their hairy legs and pits. To me, part of a woman’s appeal is her femininity—the fact that she’s soft, small, and relatively hair-free. Why would you want to fuck someone who looks like Chewbacca? If you’re into girls with loads of body hair, I’ve got bad news for you: You’re probably gay. Go over to the other side and take these female gorillas with you.
Feet Fetishes: Some body-part related fetishes I sort of understand. Boobs are cool and the vagina is interesting… but why feet? Feet aren’t even remotely affiliated with the sexual process. Why not elbows or forearms? Feet are just… feet.
Shemales: I get annoyed by shemales because they’re sneaky. I mean, there you are, minding your own business, surfing the ‘net and viewing some all-American porn when you see a good-looking babe wearing a sexy evening gown… the pictures start slowly popping up on your screen, showing her in various stages of undress… you get towards the end and she pulls down her panties… and AAAAHHHRRGH!! “She” has a penis! And you get so disgusted with yourself for initially getting turned-on that you quickly unplug your computer and rinse your eyes out with boiling water and industrial soap. Here’s a quick news flash for the guys out there: If “she” has a penis, than “she” is a he—and if you’re into a “she” with a penis than you’re gay. Case closed. Just because Wally the Mechanic has breast implants doesn’t change the fact that Wally the Mechanic pees standing up. This is just sick.
Midgets: If a girl was simply short this wouldn’t be a big deal, but a lot of these midgets have arms and legs disproportionate to their bodies. I dunno… I’m more medically interested in what a naked midget looks like than actually turned-on. Plus, I’m sort of scared of midgets. They look like something George Lucas might create. Although, to be candid, I did fall in love with a midget once. Yeah… I was nuts over her! Ha! I kill me!
Fat Girls: Hey, I’m not a chauvinist pig. If a girl is carrying around a little extra luggage in her trunk, it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker. If a girl gains a little extra weight and her tits get bigger, that’s not so terrible. But if she’s so big that she actually has her own gravitation field, than we have a (sizable) problem. A 300 pound heifer naked on a beach towel isn’t pretty. And it’s grossly unfair to the beach towel.
Clothes: Some sites feature women who are still clothed. They might remove a few items of clothing, like a hat and a jacket, but they’re still wearing their bra and panties by the final frame. This pisses me off! It’s called pornography for a reason. If I wanted to look at girls who wear clothes I’d be watching network TV. Let’s see some nudity, for Christ’s sake! Show some commitment! Just out of principle I refuse to masturbate to any girl who’s still wearing her bra or panties. What, she thinks she’s so attractive that she can induce an orgasm from me without even taking off her top? Sounds awfully snobbish to me…
Weird Insertions: For the record, I’m not against the use of toys in pornography. In fact, some of the hottest photos are of girls playing with vibrators as they roll around the floor, moaning in pure ecstasy. I’m not talking about this. I’m talking about a girl ramming a toaster oven up her twat. That ain’t sexy. It’s a testament to feminine elasticity, I suppose, but there’s nothing sexy about a girl managing to squeeze 16 DVDs and an armchair up her ass. Understand?
Bestiality: To me, the only interesting aspect to bestiality is that someone—anyone—who lives on this planet is willing to be photographed fucking a herd of goats. That’s an interesting recreational expression… but it’s not erotic. Although, it probably does wonders for the goat’s self-esteem…
Excessive Bondage: Hey, a little role-playing or good-natured spanking is Ok with me. Tying a woman’s arms to the bed posts while you do “stuff” can be sexy. But some of these webpages take the bondage to an uncomfortable extreme… I’m talkin’ about beating the girl with a shovel as she’s blindfolded, gagged, and stuffed into a birdcage. That’s just not nice.
Women Dominating Men: I guess some dudes have an inferiority complex of some kind, ‘cause apparently, many guys are turned on by images of a girl kicking the shit out of a naked man. I’ve got a few problems with this. First of all, the guy is naked and that’s not what I’m looking for in terms of erotica. If I wanted to see a naked guy, than I’d take my clothes off and stand in front of a mirror. Second of all, it’s the role of the guy to be the dominator—not the dominatee. See, I’m unable to masturbate if I’ve got no balls… and what could be more emasculating that some sick bitch forcing a dude to wear a diaper as she bashes his head in with a cinder block?
Cartoons: What am I, in preschool? Cartoons? Most of the ‘toon-erotica seems to be from Japan, with images of scantily-clad cartoon babes in strange sci-fi settings. I dunno… Jerking off to a cartoon should be a last resort, not your first stop. It’s what you do when the computer’s broken, you can’t find any of your magazines, and Wilma Flintstone is wearing a bathing suit, splashing around with Betty Rubble. But show a little patience, for God’s sake, and find a picture of a REAL girl. Are ya with me?
Pregnancy: Women come in all shapes and sizes. There’s no shortage of feminine beauty to choose from. Some guys like blondes, others brunettes. Some like the slender, athletic build, others prefer voluptuous curves. Some dig tight-bodied Latinos, others the more innocent face of Asians. But what sort of sick fuck thinks, “Gee, you know what would really turn me on? A woman with a horribly distended belly who has a kid in her stomach! Yeah! That would be hot!” Hey, here’s a philosophical question for all you Pro-Lifers: Is fucking a pregnant woman technically a menage-a-trois?
Fantasies are just fantasies; they don’t mean anything in and of themselves. Just remember that it’s fine to be kinky—but it’s not fine to be a pervert. And how can you tell the difference? According to the classic definition, kinky is using a feather in bed… Perverted is using the whole chicken.