View Full Version : Top Ten Thread
Still a little nervous about starting a new thread since the "The Great Thread Fiasco of 2002." Here goes anyway...
Everyone posts their answer from ten down to one, then someone starts up another top ten topic.
Top ten reasons you know you're getting fat:
10. You have "dickie-do" syndrome. (Your gut sticks out farther than your dickie do);)
#9 The government has issued you your own postal code
#8 Goodyear has been trying to buy advertising space on your ass.
#7 When you bleed, gravy comes out
#6 Everytime you get on your bathroom scale you hear... "UGH!"
5. Every time you get out of bed you have to hire a crane.
shotglass
07-31-02, 06:00 PM
4) When you go to the beach, helpful passersby try to push you into the ocean.
wrecker05
07-31-02, 07:10 PM
3) The airlines charge you for 3 seats.
2. Every "All You Can Eat" buffet in the state has a Wanted: Dead of Alive poster on the wall with your picture on it.
.... and the number one reason you know you're getting fat.....
You've got more chins than a chinese phonebook. :)
Next list...
Top Ten Signs You've Gone To See A Really Bad Doctor.
10. He gives you a prostate exam with both hands on your shoulders
9. After he asks you to cough, the doc says, "OK, now my turn."
8: You thought for sure you were the one that was supposed to get the shot.
wrecker05
07-31-02, 10:27 PM
7) Right before surgery the nurse writes "Fix Me" on your leg just to make sure that the Doctor gets it right this time.
Rguess21
08-01-02, 02:42 AM
#6
Your the only patient in the office, & it's only 2:30 pm :scary:
5: The diploma on the wall came from Milton Bradley.
#4
You wake up from an anaesthetic and the doctor sais "THe bad news is we cut of your good leg but the good news is your bad leg is coming good":D
#3 Doctor walks into the room wearing a shirt that reads, " I went to medical school and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."
#2 Instead of asking you "where does it hurt", he asks "where does it feel good"
...and the number one reason you know have a really bad doctor...
He pulls out a sock puppet and introduces it as "Dr. Giggles" then procedes to give you a prostate exam with it.
Next List:
"Top ten reasons you think your spouse is planning on killing you."
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 10:21 AM
Numbah TEN:
Your wife starts carpooling to work with her friends at the same time pools of brake fluid appear under your car.
#9. You find piano wire around the house and you dont have a piano.
#8 You notice your life insurance policy now includes a line which reads; "Death by Accidental Stabbing" and you're now worth $5,000,000 dead.
#7 She takes a sudden interest in skydiving and offers to pack your chute for you.
#6 You find a shooting target with a picture of you on it and a tight grouping of bullet holes in your groin area.
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 11:12 AM
#5 Your Folger's crystals have been replaced with strychnine crystals. But they're tasty.
#4 You notice an arrow stuck in the front door after you just bent down to pick up the morning paper.
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 11:36 AM
#3 Vinny calls to ask whether the hit is still on. When you say "pardon" the line goes dead.
#2 Keeps reading your wedding vows and chuckles maniacly when she gets to the part, "till death do us part".
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 11:43 AM
And the number one sign that your spouse is trying to kill you is:
She tries to KILL you.
Whoops, forgot the next topic hehehhe dumbass.
NEXT TOPIC DAMMIT:
Top ten places where Osama bin Laden could be hiding right now.
wrecker05
08-01-02, 12:24 PM
10) In a cave, dressed as a woman.
9) In a cave, dressed as a goat.
#8 Behind the counter at a 7-11 in the Bronx.
#7 Short order cook at the International House of Goats. Karachi Pakistan.
6) Hired as the assistant to women of the Miss America Pageant.
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 12:58 PM
#5 Extra on the set of the new Lawrence of Arabia sequel - Lawrence of Arabia 2: LARRY'S REVENGE
#4 Behind the wheel of a cab in the Bronx.
john e cochran
08-01-02, 02:19 PM
#3 He's in a cafe in paris eating baguttes fresh from the oven.
mmmmm terrorilicious.
#2 He took a loooooooooooooooong shower, shaved and is now on tour with David Lee Roth as a roadie.
...and the #1 place Osama could be hiding...
Pumping gas in the Bronx.
I just wanted to post this...
Top ten signs that you think you're a Bressler.org junkie:
#10 Malicous fucktard, postpadder, and thread whore become part of your normal everyday vocabulary.
Sideout
08-01-02, 02:40 PM
#9 You're Cuda. :cool:
#8 Bressler.org is your home page.
7) You relentlessly search Google.com for the perfect picture in which to help satisfy your hunger for Suicide photoshopping.
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 02:54 PM
#7 You start seeing photoshop ideas in the faces of the people around you.
#6 What's that? The server room's on fire? That can wait... still checking out the latest photoshops!
Wham Valdez
08-01-02, 02:56 PM
#4 You get frustrated waiting for the mandatory 30 seconds between posts to go by.
#3 You're actually learning how to use Photoshop...FOR FUN?!
#2 You leave your co-workers hanging because you had to finish posting to a thread.
And the number one reason you know you're a bressler.org junkie is:
1) You now read every post in detail in hopes to pass the You Don't Know Jack About Bressler.org quizzes.
New topic:
Top 10 reasons to give your boss after being late for work.
9) Because I don't like you. That's why.
wrecker05
08-01-02, 03:33 PM
8) A cop pulled me over
Eddioboy
08-01-02, 03:46 PM
7) I had a job interview.
Rguess21
08-01-02, 03:46 PM
6. Couldn't remember if I had any sick time left, & liked ta never found the damn stub from the previous paycheck, which showed I had used it all up.
Sideout
08-01-02, 04:09 PM
I swear I'm not trying to pick on him - but it's the perfect excuse...
#5 "I carpooled with Cuda today" :cool:
#4 I rolled my car. I landed on top of Sideout so he'll be late also. :nolike:
#3 You mean you didn't get the note from my mom?
2) I'm menstruating and had to stop and get my gun at the shop.
And the numero uno reason for being late...........
It's none of your f'ing business.
Top ten reasons you know you are drunk.
10) People keep asking to repeat yourself because of the incredible garbling of speech.
shotglass
08-01-02, 08:06 PM
9) When the police officer tells you to walk a straight line, you offer to instead follow the jagged crack in the sidewalk.
8) You think John Holmes is small compared to you.
7. When you take on thirteen guys in a bar fight and actually think your chances are pretty good.
6) The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
5) Straight shots of tequila sound good.
shotglass
08-01-02, 09:31 PM
4) Every woman in the bar is beautiful. Even the 400 pound ones.
#3 At AA meetings you begin with: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Eddioboy
08-01-02, 10:51 PM
2) The cameramen at Cops call you by your first name.
1) Your dancing on stage (naked) and you think the crowd is cheering you on cause you’re a good dancer.
john e cochran
08-02-02, 02:43 PM
Top ten reasons Mando didn't start a new top ten list:
#10 His boss peered over the wall of his cubicle?
Wham Valdez
08-02-02, 02:47 PM
#9 He just got laid off and has no access to a computer.
Comic Book Guy
08-02-02, 03:33 PM
8) one word... Oprah:hehe:
7) He's too busy in his new job as a Mt. Everest Sherpa.
6) forgot his user ID and password.
5) got lost on the way to Mt. Everest for his Sherpa interview.
Wham Valdez
08-02-02, 05:37 PM
#4 He is on Mt. Everest right now and is suffering from oxygen deprivation.
Rguess21
08-03-02, 02:54 AM
3. Oklahoma Highway Partrol's rather stringent policy on repeat offenders about doing touch & go landings, irregardless whether it was on I-40 or I-35.
2) He's picking up a little cash under the table, stripping for tips at the local bar.
#1 reason Mando didnt post a new top ten list is.
He forgot.
And now...top ten worst pick up lines.
Crock-o-stimpy
08-04-02, 11:52 PM
10)
Stimpy: You look like you have a little cat in you.
Female: No, sorry I don't.
Stimpy: Would you like some?
MonGooSe
08-05-02, 12:43 AM
9.) What has 148 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My Zipper
wrecker05
08-05-02, 01:23 AM
8)[hitting on a married woman] Rings don't clog holes.
Rguess21
08-05-02, 01:33 AM
7. ya think da rash on my face looks bad, ya outta see da heat rash lookin stuff my doc's treatin me for. care ta dance?
#6 Would you be my Mommy at the Berkley Breast Fest?
http://www.sacbee.com/state_wire/story/3833472p-4858886c.html
5. Hi. my name is Dave, remember it, cause you will be screaming it later.
MonGooSe
08-05-02, 07:36 AM
4.) Hi my name's MonGooSe... that's so you know what to scream.
wrecker05
08-05-02, 09:58 AM
3) How about a freebie?
Wham Valdez
08-05-02, 11:15 AM
#2 Nice shoes, wanna fuck?
wrecker05
08-05-02, 01:49 PM
#1) I'm being deployed and I don't want to die a virgin.
Next: Top ten excuses you use on a police officer after being stopped for a traffic violation.
10) Aren't you the guy from the village people?
Rguess21
08-05-02, 02:06 PM
9). ell, ozzifer wreka, we weren't read'n da dam signs, ware way ta drunk fer dat, we'zz just bean shootin at 'em. Sew ya really kain't give us a tiket, since we add no id' we was speed'n, kan ya?
wrecker05
08-05-02, 02:11 PM
8) My unit was just put on alert, and I have to be there in ten minutes.
#7 "Did you see that pedestrian run out and hit my car?????!"
wrecker05
08-05-02, 02:29 PM
#6) Sorry, my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
john e cochran
08-05-02, 03:16 PM
#4 I missed you?
That was pretty lame.
3) I came to a full stop.
2) Sure I was speeding, but then again maybe this jelly donut says I wasn't. *wink wink*
1) Sorry if I saw you I would have driven slower, but I was to busy lighting my crackpipe.
next top ten:
:evil: Top ten things that get on JB's nerves:
9) People (pretty much anyone)
6) People pissing in his gas tank.
5. Counting backwards in the 20 questions game
Rguess21
08-05-02, 07:30 PM
2. postin on the wrong thread
(so the 20 ? wasnt the crazy horse monument?) :OOPS:
;)
1. Gray Davis
Top Ten Excuses for Taking a Day off Work
shotglass
08-06-02, 06:01 AM
10) I worked 80 hours last week to get those stupid jobs done and now I don't have anything to do and besides my arm fell off last night and they gotta put it back on.
#9 - There's a rabid skunk blocking my door.
wrecker05
08-06-02, 09:28 AM
8)My car won't start.
Wham Valdez
08-06-02, 09:50 AM
#7 Someone broke into my car and stole my hood.
6) I'm uuuhh..., picking up donations from a chemical plant. Yeah that's it, donations.
Wham Valdez
08-06-02, 10:10 AM
#5 I gave too much blood and now I'm sleepy.
wrecker05
08-06-02, 11:26 AM
4) I ahh ......rolled my car during a road rage incident.;)
3. I can't do anything until the legislature passes the budget anyway . . .
#3 I accidentally superglued my ass to the couch.
#2 The Star said Nostradamus predicted California would fall into the sea this week so I was in Arizona buying beachfront, I mean, I was in Arizona for the Governors convention.
#1) I’ve got a wedding to go to Wednesday afternoon. (Believe it or not I actually do)
Top 10 reasons not to live in California:
8) Too many stupid laws. (kind of the same thing as too many Democrats)
Too many people. (also the same thing as too many Democrats;))
6. No Shreddies. (Wham should get that.)
5) It's gonna break off and sink into the ocean!
Wham Valdez
08-06-02, 03:03 PM
#3 Your neighbour might be Anna Nicole Smith
Rguess21
08-06-02, 03:34 PM
2) cost of living index
And the number 1 reason not to live in California:
John Bressler lives there!
Top Ten Reasons Why Men are Better than Women.
10) Men do not expect women to read their minds.
9) We can write our name in the snow. :D
8) and we don't have to squat to do it.
7) We can pee with the seat up OR down.
shotglass
08-06-02, 08:27 PM
6) Able to use logical thought processes during stressful situations.
Rguess21
08-06-02, 09:16 PM
5) Never have to experience childbirthing :scary:
MonGooSe
08-06-02, 09:47 PM
4.) No Periods.... PMS
wrecker05
08-06-02, 10:30 PM
3) We don't have to 'hug and kiss' our buddies to say hello.
2. We die first therefore we are less of a strain on the social security system.
shotglass
08-07-02, 06:15 AM
1) We don't sleep on the wet spot!
Top Ten Reasons For Doing Something You Know You Shouldn't Do:
10) That damn devil keeps popping up on my shoulder! :evil:
9) If I get caught there's a good chance I'll get spanked.
wrecker05
08-07-02, 09:23 AM
8) Why not, the Clintons always do.
7) Yea, but, she was a babe....
6) It's an addiction -- I couldn't stop myself. (Hold me.)
5. I swear this is the last time
4) That damn dog keeps telling me to do it. God make him shut up!
wrecker05
08-07-02, 03:43 PM
3)*sniff sniff* I do it because my parents were mean to me, if the mean conservatives would give more money to social programs I could get help.
Eddioboy
08-07-02, 03:48 PM
2) My attorney assures me it's the victim's fault for failing to prevent me from doing it.
and the #1 reason for doing something you know you shouldn't do...
1) Because I'm a rebel baby.
Top ten signs you think your mailman is about to go postal: :scary:
10) You keep getting your Guns and Ammo magazine a month late with pages ripped out. :what:
9. He painted his mail truck in camouflauge colors.
MonGooSe
08-07-02, 06:26 PM
8.) Has that "Deer in the headlight" look....
7) "Yes that is a gun in my pants and no, I'm not happy to see you."
6) He's a frequent lurker at bressler.org.
wrecker05
08-07-02, 08:50 PM
5) He/she starts wearing BDUs or DCUs during the mail route.
4) There is a gun rack in the back window of the mail van.
Rguess21
08-08-02, 02:35 AM
3.) your mailbox has a bullseye with your silhouette drawn on it
2) You start receiving unsolicited militia pamphlets in your mail box.
Rguess21
08-08-02, 03:04 AM
1.) the 2 wires running from your mailbox to the mail truck.
Top 10 reasons not to take shelter from a tornado.
10) You have this fantasy that Helen Hunt will come save you and then have a consenting adult relationship with you.
Rguess21
08-08-02, 03:10 AM
9) hardly ever get to see cows flying anymore
8) Over the rainbow just doesn't seem like enough....
shotglass
08-08-02, 06:04 AM
7) The only shelters nearby are trailer homes.
MonGooSe
08-08-02, 06:29 AM
6.) (clicking shoes together): "... there's no place like home!! There's no place like home!!"
5) Dammit! You like your martinis stirred, not shaken.
4) You mean the shelter on the other side of the tornado? :what:
3) Figure this is your ticket to hit on the Good Witch of the North.
wrecker05
08-08-02, 12:04 PM
2)your house has wheels , so you can drive out of danger.
Wham Valdez
08-08-02, 01:36 PM
And the number one reason not to run from a tornado:
We had a bumper crop of white trash this year and need to cull a few.
next top ten list:
Top Ten worst examples of reading material for the bathroom.
john e cochran
08-08-02, 01:38 PM
#10 The back of the plactic bag the toilet paper came in.
(You can only memorize the toll free information hotline number so many times)
wrecker05
08-08-02, 02:43 PM
9)Porn
Wham Valdez
08-08-02, 03:00 PM
#8 Reader's Digest 1974-1979 Compendum
7) Book of Revelations. :worry:
wrecker05
08-08-02, 03:11 PM
6) Roto-rooting In Ten Easy Steps.
5) *Do not swallow. In case of accidental ingestion, induce vomiting. Immediately consult a physician...* Hey what the hell kind of toothpaste is this?! :confused:
Rguess21
08-08-02, 05:31 PM
4.) JAMA containing the article "New advances in prostate & hemorrhoidal surgery techniques reducing the need for anesthesia".:scary:
wrecker05
08-08-02, 10:50 PM
3) Toilet bombs made easy.
wrecker05
08-09-02, 12:34 AM
Colostomy Bags For Dummies.
...and the #1 worst example of reading material for the bathroom:
1) The bathroom wall... *For a good time call JB$: 555-5555 and bring farm animals.*
Top ten signs the world is going to come to an end soon:
10) That big ball of fire you thought was the sun seems to be getting bigger. :what:
9) Anna Nichole Smith has the highest rated debut for a cable show.... I'm heading for the under-ground bunker now....
Rguess21
08-09-02, 01:44 PM
8.) Baylor & Kansas meet in football to decide the Big 12 championship.
7) You look out your window and realize a huge glacier now blocking your driveway. :mad:
6) Come home to find the cat and dog frenching on your couch.
wrecker05
08-09-02, 02:40 PM
5) Hillary Clinton is elected president
4) Where the hell did all these locusts come from?
(God that's scary Wrecker :nuts: )
3) Bill Clinton is in an Israeli foxhole with a rifle.
(no shit wrecker! You trying to scare the bejesus out of us!?)
wrecker05
08-09-02, 02:52 PM
2) MUSHROOM CLOUD
and the #1 sign the world is coming to an end soon is:
1) JBMoney decides that shelling out money for this forum just isn't worth it anymore. ;)
New top 10:
Top 10 signs you've had too much coffee.
Rguess21
08-10-02, 02:05 AM
10.) Even in the county of Colorado known for having the highest incidence of UFO sightings, you easily pass for Tweek.
http://images.southparkstudios.com/media/images/609/609_img_11.jpg
shotglass
08-10-02, 07:35 AM
Starbucks has named their new 3-gallon take-out tankard after you.
wrecker05
08-10-02, 01:48 PM
8) Your urine comes out smelling like Jamaican Blue Mountain.
Rguess21
08-10-02, 06:13 PM
7.) Juan Valdez calls to set you up a direct account with the Colombians.
Rguess21
08-10-02, 06:15 PM
6.) this is what you look like walking to work Monday at 7am
:dance: (hey, was that shotglass?)
5) Starbucks has a picture of you hanging up with "Most Valued Customer" written across the top in big bold letters.
4) Screw brewing coffee, I'm gonna just eat the damn beans.
3) During your operation they fill your IV bag with Folgers.
2) You are able to vibrate your molecules so fast that you can now pass through walls. You're now a friggen super hero who goes by the name, "The Caffeine Crusader." *TA-TA-TAAAAAAAAAA!!!*
And the number one way to tell you're drinkin' too much coffee...
It's coming out as fast as you can pour it in
Next, top ten worst food ideas from McDonald's
10) Ronald McDonald Sauce- Good enough to swallow. ;)
Rguess21
08-12-02, 01:40 PM
5) McCowPaddies aka McCuda ;)
Rguess21
08-13-02, 12:26 AM
2.) McRoo-sack fries (similiar ta calf fries, only stralian) :confused:
shotglass
08-13-02, 06:09 AM
And the number one worst food idea from McDonald's is --- the McRib, 4 ounces of fat and gristle on a stale bun smothered in ketchup and onions that smell like Anna Nicole Smith. Might as well call it the McVomit.
Top Ten reasons why living in the country is better than living in the city.
10) You can shoot your neighbors. :D
Wham Valdez
08-13-02, 12:10 PM
#9 Banjo music plays when the cops chase your car.
8) No cable... oh, wait a minute. That's from the top ten reasons why living in the city is better....
8) The sweet smell* of the fields
*after Farmer Earl dumps 50 tons of cow shit on them.
7) Your work in progress 1960's muscle car sitting on blocks on your lawn is considered a lawn ornament and gets complements.
6) You can catch rays in your birthday suit without having much of an audience.
5) You get to find out if a bear really does shit in the woods. :)
4) Two words: Cow Tipping
Wham Valdez
08-13-02, 12:53 PM
#3 A roll in the hay really does mean a roll in the hay!
2) The still you can keep behind the barn.
And the number one reason living in the country is better than living in the city. . . There's lots more room to hide the bodies. :scary:
Next: Top 10 reasons you know you have too many pets.
Wham Valdez
08-13-02, 04:04 PM
#10 Your lawn has more brown spots on it than green spots.
#9. Your favorite TV shows are Emergency Vets, Animal Precinct and The Pet Psychic
8) Ace Ventura is a popular video at home.
7) Dr. Dolittle was loosely based on you.
6) Steve Irwin has done a couple of shows at your house.
Rguess21
08-13-02, 10:47 PM
5.) A 40 cubit ark appears in your yard
4) Last time you reached for the TV remote to change it off of Animal Planet you drew back a bloody stump.
3. There is a sign on the highway that simply reads "Zoo" and it leads tourists to your house.
2) You can power your house by methane indefinitely.
and the number one sign you have too many pets...
You accidentally heat up a can of Alpo for dinner instead of Hormel chili and you know, it's not that bad!
Next, top ten signs your blind date isn't going well
10) It's been four hours since she got up to go to the bathroom. :what:
9) JB$ is prettier than your date. :scary:
8) Her colostomy bag spills all over your car seats. :cry:
wrecker05
08-14-02, 01:59 PM
7) She spends an hour talking about the benefits of living in a trailer park.
wrecker05
08-14-02, 02:00 PM
6) Her conversation consists of......"this one time during band camp....
5) In the middle of a conversation gives you a look a look of disgust, pulls out a red pen and note pad and appears to check things off a list.
4) HE gives you a box of colored condoms on arrival instead of the pretty red flowers.
3) She's got more facial hair than ZZ Top.:(
2) His most recent picture consists of a terrible mugshot taken 5-10 years ago.
Wow! this filled up fast! OK make this number one I guess.
1) Wearing a sleeveless blouse she lifts up her arm and looks like she's got Chewbacca in a headlock.
Next. Top ten funniest thing you've heard during sex.
c'mon eagle get with it...:laugh:
see edited post above -
10) GOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!!!
8) Can you hold this sam'ich for me?
Wham Valdez
08-14-02, 03:16 PM
#7 Wrong wrinkle, wrong wrinkle, wrong wrinkle, ahhh that's the spot.
6) phfffrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt...rrrrrt...rrt. :rolleyes:
5) There's an AC adapter in the nightstand if the batteries are dead. :nuts:
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